[SOC]

I just woke up from a nightmare. I have many nightmares. This particular nightmare was the prison nightmare. Most of the other nightmares are variations on the theme of human cruelty. I just have a lot of them for some reason.

The cause of my nightmares is obviously living alone. I remember only one nightmare in my life before my current living situation. I didn't have nightmares while in my various relationships. I just have nightmares now as a product of solitude.

People who spend a lot of time alone become paranoid. This paranoia feeds the need to be alone. It becomes a downward spiral. In time, you are that crazy guy with the beard and the shotgun living in a cabin up in the mountains. The irony is that sort of lifestyle is starting to appeal to me now.

Nightmares are a small price to pay for not being in a living nightmare. You just have to suck it up. My mantra is to do it alone. I don't ever want to rely on other people ever again. That is the one lesson I have learned in my life. Don't ever sacrifice yourself for the sake of other people. When they are done with you, they will toss you like a sack of wet garbage.

Living alone requires extreme self-reliance. Because humans are social, they derive comfort from living in social arrangements. It makes them feel secure even if that security is a lie. For instance, in prison, people in protective custody are safer than those in the general population. But they are also isolated which makes their minds do tricks on them. The human animal desires the pack even if that pack might turn and render him to pieces.

I know better. The people you love always hurt you. It is their nature. This is what I find so sad about life. Life is short. When you die, it is over with. There is nothing else but this life. We are cast into an uncaring and indifferent universe. Ultimately, all we have are each other. In light of this reality, you figure people would be kinder to one another. But they aren't. They have to shit on you as much as they can before they die.

This is sad shit. I can't change it. I can't make people be smart or caring or considerate. This is not in my power. The only rational response to this reality is the one I do now. I live alone. If I ever forget, I merely have to read Facebook status updates to bring me back to reality. People pour out their grief there. One chick was going on about her cheating husband. Guess what. They got back together. What a stupid woman. I have to shake my head at this. This is how desperate people are to not be alone.

My waking moments are not lonely or fucked up. The only thing I notice are those damn dreams. I think the secret to ending those dreams is to sleep with the television on.

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