Ramblings From a Mildly Sleep Deprived Individual

It is after 8 pm. I have been up since 2 am. I have slept 2.5 hrs (I think) in the last 24. I am mildly sleep deprived relative to past experiences that involved hallucinations. The fact that I can still write this shit shows I am not completely out of it. I am just a little bit out of it. I am sleep deprived but still lucid.

It is hard to think. People say words, and I hear the words. I just can't figure out what they mean. I had a rambling convo with my brother, and I don't know what we talked about. This is cognitive impairment.

The other thing I notice is a bit of paranoia. When you are not functioning mentally, you feel vulnerable. I feel like everyone is conspiring against me. This is crap, but it is what it is. I suspect this is why drug users get like this. It is all that partying and sleep deprivation that makes them this way.

I am fighting to stay awake, but it is getting really hard to keep these eyelids open. I will try and update when I am rested again.

UPDATE: I am rested now. I know I got 8 hrs straight last night. Now, I have that morning caffeine withdrawal headache. I remember my brother telling me that my cognitive impairment was not because of lack of sleep but because I was a "stupid bitch." I once toyed with the idea of telling him he was adopted but considered that too cruel of a joke. I decided not to run with the joke. I regret that now.

Going without sleep fucks with your brain. I have been in worse shape than I was last night. I have gone up to three days with just two hours of sleep each night before. That is hell there. I don't recommend it to anyone. You see things that aren't there. This is when you are virtually in a waking REM state. No amount of coffee can counteract this level of sleep deprivation. It is said that the hallucinations crystal meth users experience don't come from the drug itself but from being awake for days.

This begs the question. Charlie, why do you do this to yourself? Part of it is work related but only part. The truth is that I burn the candle at both ends. A 12 to 14 hour workday is no big deal. It is when you toss in another four or five hours of reading and writing that pushes you over the red line. The answer is balance, but who ever does that? For all my talk of moderation and the Golden Mean, I have never done that shit. I am a hypocrite on that. I go to extremes. It isn't wise to go over 20 hours each day in wakeful activity. But I do, and I enjoy every minute of it. Time for coffee and another day.

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