SATURDAY

1. 61% of Americans no longer go to theaters to watch movies. I blame it all on the obnoxious cellphone yammerer in aisle four who won't shut the fuck up.

2. I'm thinking the critics have a personal vendetta against Nic Cage. Or maybe Nic Cage has a vendetta against people who watch movies. I know Michael Bay does.

3. The USA has made a strategic alliance with al Qaeda to help topple the Assad government in Syria. This is ironic considering that the USA used the Assad government to torture members of al Qaeda. I'm sure this will all come to a satisfactory conclusion for the USA.

4. Who the fuck am I kidding?

5. Charlie Sheen says that Ashton Kutcher sucks. This may be true. But at least Ashton isn't sucking on the end of a crack pipe.

6. TIP FOR PEOPLE CONSIDERING RUNNING FOR PUBLIC OFFICE: If you are running for public office, there is nothing you have done that won't be known. This includes that crazy night with the one legged hooker, the bottle of Jack, and the Shetland pony.

7. I still have that hooker's wooden leg.

8. I think Windows 8 will be as popular as that fake turd I put in the punch bowl at the New Year's Eve party.

9. If anyone sees a streetwalker hopping around on one leg, tell her I will return her property if she gives me back my wallet.

10. BTW, if the GOP finds itself with a brokered convention, I will certainly accept the White Knight role of being drafted as the presidential candidate. Just don't ask me anything about Shetland ponies.

11. I will nominate Ron Paul as my vice president and resign immediately after taking my oath of office. Well, I might pardon all the pot smokers first. Then, I'll resign.

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