Hangover

I have a headache and feel like shit right now. I'm never drinking again.

I was on a drunken rant last night. I still hurt inside. There must be something seriously wrong with me to flip out like this.

I just want to stop feeling like this. There should be a drug that will help you get over a failed relationship or a divorce. I remember watching my uncle go through this with his divorce. You feel sick to your stomach. You feel a chronic pain in your chest. It's like coming out of a trauma.

I have always done the dumping, so it doesn't feel bad when you are on the giving end. I've ended relationships, but I had defined reasons for ending those relationships. They were solid reasons. If a person does not make you better but makes you worse, you have to get out of that relationship.

I would feel better if I could point to some flaw in myself that made me worthy of being dumped. If I were a woman beater or a drunk or a philanderer, I could blame myself and swear to work on those things. But I'm not any of those things.

I admit a certain amount of negativity. I am negative on marriage, love, and relationships. But I was softening on all of these things. This is what happens when you are in a loving relationship. That all changed last week.

I find that the best thing to do on all of this is to take the scientific worldview. People fall in love because they evolved to be this way. Love is a powerful bond to someone that extends beyond mere sexual lust to an overbiding care and concern for their wellbeing. It doesn't take a Ph.D. to see how this would be advantageous to the species for survival. Much of this phenomena is chemical in origin.

This drive is primitive. You can watch nature documentaries on Discovery Channel or National Geographic and see the same patterns of behavior among animals. When you get involved with someone, you are playing with fire because forces beyond your control will make you fall in love, and you will reap the whirlwind.

The fairytale is that a man and a woman will meet, fall in love, get married, and stay together until death ends the relationship. This is rare indeed. Even long term relationships are marred by periods of betrayal and infidelity. Most marriages resemble Bill and Hillary Clinton as opposed to Ronald and Nancy Reagan.

Long marriages are not tesimonies to love but to a remarkable tolerance for bullshit. My parents are still married 36 years later, but they don't love each other. They put up with each other. They stay together out of habit. They are two of the most miserable people I know.

Love is not unlike being on an addictive drug. Right now, I am going through the withdrawal process. It may be undignified to plaster this shit on my blog, but I want it out there. I would hate to waste this experience without capturing it. I also find that the process of writing helps to get the emotions out. It's like drinking extra water to flush the toxins out of your system. Psychologists find that writing or drawing helps people to overcome emotionally troubling events like 9/11, the death of a loved one, etc. Plus, writing spares someone from having to listen to you whine incessantly about your bullshit.

The other thing about this experience is how you are unable to enjoy anything. I can't watch a movie or read a book without thinking about her in the back of my mind. Everything in my life is ruined because of her. If I could go back in time, I would never have gotten involved with her. I would have spared myself this horeshit. I can remember one night stands with a certain fondness, but I have no pleasant memories of past relationships. That is because they ended badly which tainted them in my mind forever. To this day, there are certain songs I can't enjoy because those were our songs.

I am just nauseated by the whole business of love. Objectively, I can say that I am better off and happier not being in a relationship. Sure, it feels good to be with someone. It also feels good to shoot heroin. But it doesn't mean that it is good for you.

I have to find a way to stay out of crap like this even if it means a life of monasticism and celibacy. I have spent the majority of my life as a loner. People decry this radical independence, but I have been very happy with it. I only feel lonely during or right after a relationship. It is nice to have someone in your corner watching your back, but the reality is that these are the people who betray you. My girlfriend stood by me when I didn't have a job. Then, as soon as I am employed again, she sticks it to me.

If I were to employ my covariance strategy to relationships, I would be involved in multiple relationships simultaneously like a lot of players I know. Sure, sometimes it blows up in their faces, but they are quick to rebound. They have options. It's not about being with someone or being alone for them. It is about who to be with on which night.

I find this shit to be morally repugnant. Of course, there was a time when I thought the same thing about atheism. But there are two truths that we cannot escape:

1. Love is bullshit.

2. You will always want love.

This is why infidelity is rampant. It is the winning strategy. Basically, the player has learned not to put all of his eggs in one basket. All the players I know have multiple jobs, projects, or what have you. They are hustlers, and they apply the science of hustling to women. They also seem very happy.

Anyway, I'm tapped out now on the angst, but I'm sure I'll be pissed again later.

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