No Apologies

I've received a bit of criticism for being so hard on my ex. I admit that I am a bit nutty at times with it. But I'm not apologizing for it.

I fell for this chick, and I fell hard in a relatively short period of time. I'll admit that she was the best thing that ever happened to me. I have no complaints about her whatsoever as a girlfriend.

As a boyfriend, I am a piece of shit. I admit that. My only regret in the relationship is that I didn't kiss the ground she walked on and treated her for what she really was--the loveliest woman I have ever known. If I could do it all over again, I would have savored every moment with her instead of being consumed with my work. I might not be a cheater or some other piece of shit in that category. But I am a nutty, bitter, workaholic fuck with a tin ear when it comes to women.

My days go in a cycle. One day I love her and wish I was still with her. The next day I get mad because she dumped me which leads to hatred. I hold it in as long as I can until I can't take it anymore. Then, I explode in rage. Afterwards, I feel guilt and remorse for what I've done. But underneath it all, I still love her. She is the only woman I want to be with.

I know it sounds strange to love a woman and also hate her at the same time. But what can I do? She was so great. Then, she dumped me. I hate her because I wanted to keep loving her. I wanted to get better at it. Then, it was over with.

I would do anything to be back with her. Unfortunately, there isn't a thing I can possibly do. I didn't make her love me, and I certainly can't make her do it again.

Yes, I am being a complete fucking moron about this. I am nuts. I'm just crazy about her. And it hurts every day not to be with her. So, I get angry and hate her. I know it is stupid, but I act this way because I genuinely loved her. I wake up from dreams about her, and I hurt for the rest of the day because of it.

I have to get off of this roller coaster. She doesn't want me back. So, I will hate her until it burns out everything I ever had for her. No more guilt. No more apologies.

Her dumping me was one of the worst things that has ever happened to me. I'm not being melodramatic here. I know I will never be with someone like her ever again. I lost one of the most precious things I was ever lucky enough to have. But she was the one that took it from me. I love her, and I hate her. That's all I know. I will stop hating her when I stop loving her. I have no clue if or when that will happen. So, Gentle Reader, you will have to continue reading my bullshit on the matter. It is what it is.

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