Pain on a Friday Night

I don't feel well at this time. I haven't done any drinking or anything. I just feel depressed and sad.

Folks, I hate feeling like this. This isn't who I am. My problem is that I am still struggling with getting dumped. This tears at me worse than anything I've ever been through before, and I've been through a lot of stuff.

Last night, I was with friends, but I was a million miles away from them. That is because I was thinking about her. I've been very mean to her on this blog, and it is really nothing more than revenge on my part. I'm beyond that stage now. I suppose we can call that Anger. After Anger, there comes Hope that things might be back the way they were. But Hope leads to Despair followed by Grief then Acceptance. I'm at Grief right now.

Getting mad helps for a bit. You want to hurt that person back. But in the end, it is pointless.

I hate her for making me love her. I wish she had left me alone. If I knew the pain I would have now, I would have passed on my involvement with her. But I believed things would be different this time. It never is different.

I don't want to go through this anymore. It is like the high you get from nutmeg. It is euphoric for a time, but the sickness afterwards is so bad that you swear to never use it again. Love is more pain than pleasure.

I'd do anything in this world to have her back. But I can't control the choices of other people. You can't make someone love you back.

I am done with relationships. I don't want any more girlfriends. It isn't worth the pain you will feel later.

You can look back and remember the times you spent with that person, but they will not be pleasant memories. That is because you realize that none of it was real. I can look back with fondness at all the fun times I've had in my life including some wild sex. But this is not so with love.

I want to believe that I was the reason for getting dumped. This will mean I had control over what happened to me even if what happened was bad. You can learn from the error and correct it. But the fact is that when you love someone, you will overlook a lot of stuff. I hate when people snore, but when she did it, I found it endearing.

I loved the way she would sleep next to me. I would lay awake at night and just feel good having her with me. Sometimes, my arm would go to sleep, but I would let it lay there numb so as not to disturb her.

She had the prettiest smile I ever saw. I melted inside when I saw it. Sometimes, she would be a little mad at me and cluck at me like a mother hen. But I loved it. And those eyes of hers were like two polished stones that would shine in the light. I could look at her forever and just feel good.

I loved everything about her. There wasn't a thing about her I would change. I felt comfortable and happy with her. I never told her that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with her. She was the sweetest woman I had ever known. Then, it was over.

I wish I had been there for her. I was more concerned with my work than I was about her. I wrote on my blog to her consternation, but I never wrote her a single love letter. I never sent her flowers or anything. I was the least boyfriend a woman can have and still be called a boyfriend. I chalk this up to my cynicism. There was a time when I did all of those things, but bad experiences had beaten those impulses out of me. I was a good boyfriend to some bad women. Then, I became a bad boyfriend to a good woman. And so it goes. . .

If I am guilty of anything, it is looking at love with a jaundiced eye. I figured you could enjoy love as long as you remained mindful of the expiration date on the carton. But you can't love like this. Loving with the least commitment does not lessen the pain later. It just makes you feel guilty wondering if there was more you could have done.

She had good reasons to dump me. I am a workaholic and an asshole. Whether those were her reasons for dumping me I will never know. I just know that she doesn't love me anymore, and I don't know if she ever did. I just wish that things had never ended. I always wanted to be with her. I still want to be with her.

I have to eat this pain. There are no shortcuts on this. I have tried to will myself and fake myself into healing this broken heart of mine. But what is broken is broken. I have lost her, and she is gone. I'm not mad anymore. I'm sad that I lost something so sweet.

You can say that love is nothing but chemicals in the brain. But so is happiness. A wise man took me to task for my reductionism, and I believe that he is right. I have loved and lost. But I can tell you that it is better not to love.

She is gone. That pain is with me now and will be with me for sometime. But it will fade away. I have to believe that. It is all I have now. I want her back so bad, but there is nothing I can do. I don't know what to do. I am so lost right now. I must accept that I have lost her and move on. It is what it is.

I never want to feel this way again. I can laugh at all the disasters in my life, but I can't laugh over this one. There's no humor to be found in this whatsoever. My best coping mechanism can't be used here. So, I suffer. It is just raw pain without relent.

Never. . .ever . . .again.

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