MONDAY

1. Super Clap is joining MRSA as the new superbug that can't be cured with antibiotics. I would make a joke, but this shit ain't funny.

2. Folks in Southern California want to secede and create "South California." They don't want LA for obvious reasons.

3. Apple is suing me for patent infringement because I touched myself.

4. Things are not looking good for a debt deal in Washington. Things are so bad that Uncle Sam now has to show two forms of ID to cash a check.

5. Assange gets his extradition hearing for that non-rape rape he did. The irony is that he is almost certainly going to be raped by the Swedish judicial system. I wonder if he can press charges for "sex by surprise."

6. My cellphone was hacked, and my voice messages intercepted. The only thing they heard was a reminder from Blockbuster back in 07 that I had a movie out. That is kinda old news.

7. Chivalry is dead because women killed it.

8. Michelle Bachmann is right. Blacks fared better under slavery because sometimes the white master would feed the slave before raping her.

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