People Don't Change

I saw Carnie Wilson on TV the other day. You will remember her as the fat chick in Wilson Phillips. She lost the weight with gastric bypass, dieting, etc. She ended up looking so good she appeared in Playboy. She's fat again.

I had an ex-girlfriend who was a self-described alcoholic in recovery. She said that drunks were more miserable sober than drunk. I believed her because she was a real bitch. Alcohol is just self-treatment for assholes and cunts.

People don't change. This isn't exactly true since someone will point to some clean and sober person or an ex-smoker or a former fatty like Jillian Michaels who keep the weight off. But these examples only make the argument more compelling because it shows that people can change. They just don't want to change.

I think it is easy to change opinions since I've gone from Christian to atheist and from conservative to libertarian in my life. I think it is harder to change habits, but it can be done. I don't think you can change your personality short of a lobotomy. This goes back to what my ex-girlfriend was talking about. You can cure the addiction, but you can't cure the reason for the addiction.

People don't change. For Carnie Wilson, the problem is with her personality. Her sister isn't fat. Her parents aren't fat. But her dad was an addict, and by her own admission, Carnie turned to drink when she couldn't eat anymore. She is desperately trying to fill a hole in her being.

I'm not judging Carnie. I'm fat. I also know the reason why I am fat. When I eat crap, it makes me feel at peace with the world. I also know why Jillian Michaels isn't fat. She substituted being an exorexic with being a fat ass. But fundamentally she is still that fat chick. Whether it is alcohol, ice cream, or hitting the stairclimber, they all serve to treat those inner demons.

I don't have the cure for those demons. You will find that many successful people are tormented by those demons, and it is that torment that drove them to do the things that they did. They chose workaholism over alcoholism. They chose marathoning over McDonald's. They simply turned to positive addictions in their life.

What are these demons? I don't know. It might have something to do with self-hatred. It might be guilt. Or it could be grief. These are person relative. But I don't know of anyone who ever conquered these demons. And you certainly aren't going to defeat them in other people. Believe me, I have tried.

I ponder my own demons. The truth is that I don't have any. My demons are everyone else's demons. I always want to help people, but I have learned to not give a damn. Ultimately, their problems are not my problems. I feel terrible guilt over some need to help other people, but you can't help people. You have to let them be. Live and let live.

The most important lesson I ever learned in my life was to be selfish. You have to look out for number one. I have to remind myself of that over and over again. I forget it because it is not my natural way. People have used me and abused me, and I let it happen. I am ashamed to admit that, but there it is. I wasted a large portion of my life for the sake of other people, and I ended up worse off as a result. I retain some bitterness over that. Basically, if you try to help people, they hate you for it. If you don't try and help people, they call you selfish. And if you keep your mouth shut, they use you and toss you like garbage.

I care less and less for people. These days are marked by a profound indifference on my part. I truly don't give a fuck anymore. People can call me cold, selfish, and indifferent, but I merely laugh at this. I just don't care. The reason for this is because I know these people don't care. They are pathetic pieces of shit preying on the guilt and goodwill of others. They destroy themselves because they know the truth about themselves. They are worthless and should not even exist. And when you help people, you adopt their mindset. This is what they call codependency. In my case, it comes from having a fucked up family.

I have to choose to believe that people don't change. This is because if I believe otherwise I will try and save them in some way. You can't save other people. I have lived long enough to learn that the best way to help others is to let them find their own way. People are responsible for their own lives just as I am responsible for mine. And when they don't treat me the way I expect them to, they get gone. Pure and simple. The result is that I am happier. As for them, I don't care. It is a choice between my benign indifference and my total indifference.

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