[SOC]

I'm sitting here after a trip from Walmart. I bought some groceries and some new work pants. I'm listening to music. I'm tired from working. I feel a need for some coffee.

Resolutions are just around the corner. I only made one resolution for this year, and it was to find inner peace. I realize that the turmoil that I feel comes from my relationships with other people. My only response to this reality is to create an oasis of calm for myself by living alone.

I had a dream where the chick who stole my car was crying and suffering for all the things she has done. I felt compassion for her in the Buddhist vein. Compassion is simply wanting others to be free of suffering. Then, I woke up. I don't care if she suffers or not.

I am facing a simple but inescapable fact. I am going to fail on the inner peace thing. This hit me today. I am alright with it. The best I am ever going to get is to enjoy being by myself and not worry about other people anymore. I think I am simply torturing myself with the idea that I can have people in my life that aren't going to tear me down, use me, or try to destroy me. But this is not the case.

I am OK with this. Strangely, I feel a certain peace with just accepting this fact. Being alone in the world is fine. I can do this. I've been doing it for years now, so why should I stop? This is who I am. I am a loner.

My parents had each other, and I can't recall a time when they were ever happy. I just don't ever want to end up like either of them. And there is nothing odd about them. I see the same misery with every other married couple out there. I don't have those problems. Like I said, I have created an oasis of calm here at my hole in the wall. The reason it is calm is because I am the only person here.

This past year has been interesting as I have pursued this resolution of mine. Ultimately, the only real turmoil that I have isn't other people, but the expectation that I should try and make things work with people in my life. I have turned that over in my head, but in the end, I come back to the same place. I have always done better alone.

I enjoy my friends, the people I work with, and the interactions I have online. Those are cool for me. Family and girlfriends have been misery for me. Trying to change my status from that of a loner just results in the very misery I want to escape. In the end, most of the problems I have had in my life belonged to other people. The most drama I have in my life is deciding if I should do laundry tonight or wait until the morning. Morning is looking better for me.

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