Feeling Like Crap

I wake up every morning and feel like crap. People tell me that I am getting old. The fact is that I have felt this way every morning since I was a kid. I always feel like crap in the morning. Then, I feel like crap until the afternoon when I will continue to feel like crap. This goes into the evening and finally night time when I collapse from exhaustion into my bed. Then, I stop feeling like crap because I am unconscious. My whole life is one long experience of feeling like crap.

I think if I rest more that I will feel better. But I don't. I end up feeling worse. I feel groggy and cranky. Sleeping more fucks me up as much as sleeping little. I feel sore from moving all the time, working, running, cleaning house, climbing stairs, and what have you. But I feel sore from sitting in a chair for long periods, sleeping late, or what have you. My body is always feeling some soreness and fatigue. It has been like this ever since I was young.

My guts are always in a state of crap as well. I'm either hungry, full, needing to take a shit, feeling gassy, or what have you. Even when I eat healthy foods, it doesn't go away. Even as I write this, the pressure in my bowels is either gas that will erupt in a sonic boom of flatulence. Or, it is a diarrhea bomb waiting to paint the inside of a toilet, a wall, or the back of my pants. Countless times during the day, I gamble. Shit or shart? Most of the time I win. A few times I have lost. The constant is that I feel like crap.

Then, you have sickness. It is spring which means allergies. I am doped up on antihistamine in order to breathe. In the fall, I will have the same issue with ragweed. In the winter, I am always catching somebody's cold bug. Then, there is the dreaded flu. The summer is the only good time because I only have to contend with bug bites and sunburn.

Weather also sucks. I am either cold or hot. Then, there is rain which takes almost any day and turns it into crap. Either way, it lands on me, and I feel like crap.

My whole existence is a constant state of feeling like crap. It never ends. Unlike pleasure, pain knows increase and has infinite variety. The fact is that I always feel like crap, but I manage to ignore it. To be honest, I didn't realize how crappy I felt until I started writing this essay. I never paused to reflect on this chronic crappy state of feeling. But there it is. I am in a constant state of suffering.

You get used to feeling like crap. I have never felt like going to work a single day in my life. Yet, I have a really good record of showing up. I have gone to work in really terrible shape before, but I showed up. I was so sick once that I was sent home by my boss against my wishes. You just do it. For the most part, I laugh at the misery with mock whining. It feels worse to stay home.

Of course, I feel good sometimes. These good feelings come when I take ease from the pain. This is sitting down after standing up for a long period of time. This is enjoying the air conditioning after being in the hot sun. This is collapsing on the floor after running for an hour. This is drinking water when you are thirsty. The fact is that pains and pleasures come in pairs. You can't have one without the other. I spend my days feeling like crap, but I also have sublime moments of utter rapture when I get some sweet relief. The suffering makes it sweeter.

I feel like crap. But that is OK. There is a time during the day when I can say that I don't feel like crap. I discovered this magic substance some years ago, and it is the ultimate analgesic for what ails me. It never fails to revive me and give me a warm glow inside. This substance is coffee. From the aroma to the taste to the warmth as it goes down to the pleasant buzz it brings, coffee sustains me. It wakes me up. It makes me cheerful even to the point of annoyance. I will even go so far as to say that coffee is the most important thing in my life. This may seem extreme, but for an atheist, the only heaven that exists is in a fresh pot. Pour me some nirvana, bitches.

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