How to Get Your Shit Together

I talk to a lot of people, and I hear the same thing over and over again. They are having problems with a spouse or a boyfriend or they are tight on money or they want to quit smoking or lose weight blah blah fucking blah. Right now, you, Gentle Reader, have some issue in your own life you wish to resolve. Why would you be reading an essay called "How to Get Your Shit Together?"

Getting you shit together is easy as hell. Really. This is because most problems people have are the same identical problems everyone else struggles with. There is nothing new under the sun. Their real problem isn't the problem but the lack of a solution that doesn't require work, discipline, and virtue. Losing weight is not hard. It is the hunger that goes with losing weight that is hard.

This is the last essay of advice you will ever need to read. You can save all that money on self-help books and seminars and all the rest because all the answers you will ever need are right here, and they are FREE. If you are not satisfied, I can offer you a 100% money back guarantee. Let's dish the advice.

1. Stop smoking, drinking, and using drugs.

Hell, I probably solved 90% of the world's problems right there. Give up these three habits, and you will be first class among People Who Have Their Shit Together. It will amaze you how much better you feel, how much money you have, and how much better your life will go if you give up booze, cigarettes, and the crack pipe. Some will say "moderation in all things," but I've never seen those people exercise any moderation when they say that. It is just a cop-out to keep doing what they are doing.

2. Get a job.

This advice alone probably solved about 6% of the rest of the problems in this country. Having a job means an income, a place to stay, social involvement, daily exercise, etc. People will claim that times are hard, but this is bullshit. There is always a job because there is always work to be done. When people say they can't find a job, what they really mean is they still have three months of unemployment left to collect, or they don't want to take some "menial" job that involves serving food or cutting grass. I'd be more ashamed of being a bum than being a burger flipper or a landscaper. Quit your excuse making and get a fucking job.

3. Spend less than you earn.

Cut up those credit cards and quit eating out. Pay off your debts. Open a savings account and put money in it. Simple math. Put away $100 a week, and you will have $5200 saved in a year. This will fully fund your IRA for the year and give you a big chunk left over. Bank your tax refund as well, and your money problems are over.

4. Eat healthy and exercise.

This is the one most people can't get straight in their lives. This is because we are programmed by biology to amass calories and conserve energy. Nature works. The answer is to stop eating high fat and high sugar foods. Eating healthy will not leave you hungry. Fad diets will. Just skip McDonald's and go to Subway. Have fruit instead of ice cream and cheesecake. As for exercise, walk for an hour per day. Last time I checked, this was free. The pounds will just drop off. You will have more energy. You don't need to eat like an Ethiopian or complete an Ironman to be healthy and in shape. Marginal changes in this area will produce massive results.

5. Dispose, clean, and organize.

Got a closet full of shit? Empty it. Desk full of clutter? Get a Hefty bag and throw that shit away. Storage rental full of shit you can't throw away? Rent a truck and haul it off to the dump. If you don't need it, then you don't need it.

6. Dump your piece of shit significant other.

Even if you get your shit together, other people in your life will cause you grief, and this is usually the person you share a bed with. Drug abuse can break up a relationship as well as money problems. Even becoming a runner can do this. If you have your shit together, you can't be with a person who doesn't have their shit together. It doesn't work. The disharmony will cause the whole thing to fly to pieces, and I can tell you from personal experience that you can't get someone else's shit together for them. They can tear your shit apart and almost certainly will if you stay with them. Get rid of them. Having your shit together and being alone is better than living in the shit with a fuck up.

That's it, folks. Five pieces of solid time tested advice. It is all very uncomplicated and basic. Your life won't be perfect because shit happens. But no one will ever say that it was your own damn fault, and that means a whole lot. As for me, I'm still getting my shit together. I'm sure you are, too.

Posted in: