Unhappiness/Practical and Quixotic Pursuits

I am not happy right now. It pains me to say this, but it is true. I wish I could elaborate more on this, but I don't see how. I have been on an almost five year high despite numerous bad things happening along the way during that time. I could point to circumstances in my life currently, but they are the usual mix of good and bad I have had over my run. All things considered, I am probably doing better now than I was this time last year. So, what's the deal?

My mood is directly tied to how I look at the world, and I must admit that this view has become much darker lately. I don't know if it is a result of the Obama Clusterfuck Administration in Washington or the recession or whatnot. What bothers me is a sense that my life is going nowhere and that I am just spinning my wheels.

I have been reluctant to admit this change in my outlook, but I have spent this entire day coming to grips with it. I don't even know what to do about it. I'm just really pissed off. The frustrating thing is that I am at a loss to articulate this anger. I would channel this anger into a constructive endeavor, but I don't know what or who I am even pissed at. I am beginning to think that the person I am pissed at is none other than myself.

My long period of happiness was a result of a few things. The first was an acceptance of myself warts and all. I am remarkably candid to myself and about myself. Self-deprecating wit is very good for one's self-image. Being able to laugh at yourself takes a certain pride and virtue, and the more I do it the more secure I feel in who I am. It is counterintuitive such that people can't tell if I suffer from a poor self-esteem or extreme egotism.

The second thing I did was to quit being prey for the guiltmongers and to learn to be selfish. I don't believe in letting people walk all over me, and I don't walk on others. I have Ayn Rand to thank for this insight, and it has changed my life for the better.

The third thing I did was to busy myself in work and projects and to live in a constant state of flow. That state is now disrupted, and I have turned to navel gazing to fill the void. This is not good. How did this disruption occur?

I can't answer that question. I suspect it is the result of exhausting my current projects and a cutback in work. I watch a lot of DVD's these days. The last sense of accomplishment I had came from cleaning my bathroom. Just today, I wrote a couple of incendiary emails for no other purpose than the deliberate provocation of some leftard shitheads. This was mildly amusing but unsatisfying.

I am bored, restless, and angry. This is not a good state for me to be in. I don't have a specific answer to this dilemma, but I do have a general answer--PROJECTS. I don't know what these projects will be, but the lack of projects seems to be why I am in this state of agitation. I lack new initiative, new ideas, and new life. It absolutely sucks. This is not who I am.

I suspect my present crisis stems from my readings on randomness. If life is largely a crapshoot, it leads to a certain fatalism. I depend on work to keep me going, but if you believe your work is a waste of time such as pursuing political change that will never happen or defying the overwhelming odds to start a business, you throw in the towel. These are Quixotic pursuits. This isn't to say that they aren't worth going after because you do get lucky sometimes. But if they dominate the portfolio of your personal projects, they will lead to discouragement. You should not devote more than 20% of your time or resources to these things. I might even consider 10% a better way to go.

Practical pursuits are those things you can control or where the odds are in your favor. These are things like getting in shape or learning a new skill or establishing a new career in a new field. Most of my pursuits are quixotic. This distinction between the quixotic and the practical is what I need to break out of this logjam.

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