Why Riding a Bike Sucks

I had a weird dream last night. I was caught in a massive winter storm. Snow was everywhere. It was dark. I was freezing and suffering and lost. As bad as it was, the worst part was that I was just trying to get through it on a bike. What a nightmare!

Riding a bike sucks. Sure, it was fun when you were a kid cruising the neighborhood on your Huffy BMX. But when you grow up like I did, you end up hating bikes. Here's why.

-The seat

Bike seats hurt. Even elite cyclists must deal with saddle sores and genital numbness. Various ergonomic seats have been invented, but the bottom line remains. Jamming a leather covered saddle in your crotch and riding for more than a couple of miles hurts.

-Flat tires, broken chains, and other mechancial fuck ups

I have had flat tires. One memorable one ended with my inability to patch the hole and pushing the damn thing home. I slung the shit into the garage when I got home. I really hated that. Bikes are fragile machines.

-Cars

Cars and bikes are supposed to share the road. Yeah, right. The fact is that two objects can't occupy the same space at the same time, and it is usually the bigger object that wins. Riding a bike improves your health until your ass gets creamed by some old bitch in a Buick leaving you a paraplegic. Bike lanes aren't much better. Cars making right turns are a real bitch.

-Pedestrians

The alternative to road biking is mountain biking. You go tearing down some cool forest trails until you cream a hiker. Then, your ass is fucked. This is why mountain bikers are losing more and more trails to ride on and usually do so in violation of park rules and laws.

Riding a bike just sucks. It looks fun when other people are doing it, but it sucks when you are doing it. I think this is why every cyclist I have met is a colossal asshole. You have to be to endure all that pain and go against the social grain.



UPDATE: Another reason riding a bike sucks is getting your damn bike stolen. You can't ride a decent rig and lock it up somewhere. You have to get some beater bike and paint it with housepaint, rust, and feces to make it unwantable. Then, you have to put a damn lock on it, a chain, or whatnot which will merely slow down the professional thief. Plus, they always recommend taking your wheels with you. This is a fucking drag.

Here are some cool vids I found:

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