TUESDAY

1. Dick Cheney is hospitalized for chest pains. Doctors discovered the man has no heart and promptly released him.

2. Scott Brown paid back all his supporters by giving them the finger and breaking a filibuster.

3. Pediatricians bash on hot dogs as a choking hazard to children and call for redesign. (I am not making this shit up.)

4. Jay Leno's bandleader is calling it quits to focus on music instead of being known as the "dumb guy that laughs at all of Jay's stupid jokes."

5. I am hiring a commenter to post LOL! to all my stupid posts.

6. I deep throated an Oscar Meyer the other day and almost choked to death.

7. Tiger Woods converted to Buddhism to help him combat sex addiction. In an unrelated story, I converted to Satanism to help me combat my addiction to golf.

8. The Bloom Box--the Segway of Energy!!

9. Lindsay Lohan says her love of women surprised her. It did not surprise me. It also will not surprise me when she reveals her love of cocaine.

10. Tiger Woods and Lindsay Lohan would make the perfect couple.

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