The Downward Spiral

I only have one great enemy in my life, and that is nihilism. For those not in the know, nihilism is a worldview that basically life is not worth living, that human beings are essentially evil, that truth cannot be known, and that happiness is impossible. If you want to get a flavor of this, listen to any Nine Inch Nails album or watch Fight Club.

It was Ayn Rand who pointed out that this bullshit began with Plato and worked its way through Kant to the present day. Personally, I think Schopenhauer deserves the most credit with his caustic pessimism. Nietzsche is often thrown into this camp, but he was actually fighting against nihilism. Finally, there isn't a nihilist who exists that wouldn't disagree with these statements.

My definition of nihilism is depression as a philosophy and a lifestyle. But it is a philosophy and lifestyle that I reject. I think a lot of people are with me on this which is why many people embrace religion. They are desperate not to give in to that soul sucking darkness. But they exchange arsenic for cyanide in the process.

Any ideology leads to nihilism because all ideologies posit a perfect world which the present real world can never be. People in the Aristotelian tradition as opposed to the Platonic tradition accept the world as it is. Reality is all there is. If you want to see the contrast, experience the flavor of the arts and humanities side of a modern college campus then go over to the engineering and sciences departments. There is a reason why the Virginia Tech gunman was an English major.

But even a scientific worldview doesn't change certain elemental truths. The universe is indifferent. Nature is red in tooth and claw. We are subject to random occurrences beyond our control. And human beings are capable of great cruelty to one another.

I am neither an optimist nor a pessimist. Things can go either way. The same indifferent nature that gave us the ebola virus also gave human beings a large cerebrum and an opposable thumb. The pessimist will look at life and see only the inevitability of death. I look at life and wonder that we exist at all.

The same thing exists with humanity. When reading about the Spanish Inquisition, the Holocaust, the torture methods of al-Qaeda, or watching a movie like Hostel, the barbarity of human beings sickens me. But the fact that such atrocities shock us gives me some hope for the human race. Slavery was abolished along with Jim Crow and apartheid. Germany is probably the safest place for a Jew living in the world today. Human beings are a far cry from the Reavers in Firefly.

I'm going through some tough times right now, and I can feel the downward spiral of nihilism trying to suck me down. I just keep going back to my touchstone of perseverance--LIFE IS A JOKE SO LAUGH AT IT. That is the essence of balanced thinking. I laugh at and mock the absurdities of existence.

It's hard to find humor in cancer or murder unless you're a sadist. It is said that Osama bin Laden laughed after 9/11 because most of the hijackers on those planes had no clue they were flying to their own deaths. I can laugh at bin Laden because he shows what an utter piece of shit he is. Yet, his beguiled followers think he is a great and holy man.

I laugh at stupid people. That is where the humor comes from. I can laugh at the 9/11 hijackers who martyred themselves to be in paradise with 72 virgins because it was the best chance that any of them had of getting laid.

In my own life, I have to laugh at the absurdity of my own troubles. If there is one theme I have encountered in my life, it would be this. I am loved but mistreated. I worry less about my enemies than I do about my friends and family. My enemies respect me and leave me alone. Most of my wounds have come from the back where I thought I was protected.

This isn't to say that all my friends and family members have done me wrong. I'd probably be nowhere without those people. The reality is that these are the only people in a position to do me wrong. Caesar fought countless battles, but he died on a friend's dagger. Loyalty must always come before betrayal.

In my present troubles, what I find surprising is that people care about me at all. Anyone who knows me will tell you that I hate myself in a way that most people could not endure. I am mystified that people I am nice to would hate me, but I am equally mystified by the people who care about me.

These people are the ones who keep me from losing myself in the downward spiral. I don't know where I would be without them. The result is a mixed blessing. By having people in my life, I run the risk of betrayal. By not having people in my life, I face the certainty of nihilistic doom. Therefore, I remain social and loyal to these people. I have been called an idiot for trusting people, but what is the alternative? Be a hermit? Suicide?

This post has been a bit of a ramble, and I apologize. There is no real thesis here except that I have a strange life. Good things and bad things happen to me all at once. This is merely a reflection of the random nature of existence. Fortune comes to us all. At the blackjack table of life, I am low on chips right now, but no one leaves the game a winner. You just have to keep playing.

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