1. So, I lent money to Newt Gingrich. Why does my sphincter hurt?
2. Starbucks profit is up. And it is all due to one female I know.
3. They've played coy and given each other blue balls. But now, Obama and Romney are going to fuck. Haven't been this happy since Sam and Diane hooked up on Cheers.
4. The NFL cancels the Pro Bowl. They are probably worried about a prostitution scandal. That would be unprofessional.
5. I think I can safely call bullshit on global warming now.
6. Student loan debt is at one trillion. Do you hear that ticking sound?
7. Snooki is going to be a mom. Poor kid.
8. Jimmy Carter says he would be comfortable with a Romney presidency. Hell, that is a fucking endorsement if I ever heard one. When the last bad president presiding over a shitty economy turns on you, you need to hang it up. This means you, Barack.
9. I don't think voters want the new guy so much as they want to fire the old guy. Obama will be fired.
10. Obama was the first black president. Now, we can wait for the first good black president. He will probably be a Republican.
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