Day 6

Today has not been so good for me. A hole has opened in my chest area. It is the physiological response to the anxiety I feel over breaking up with my girlfriend.

Being alone creates stress. This is why solitary confinement creates so much trauma for the people who endure it. You can beat a man or whatnot, and it will cause him less distress than it will to isolate him. Humans have evolved to be social creatures. Our survival as a species depended upon being bonded to a group. This is why people will undergo all sorts of hazing, rituals, "beat ins," or what have you in order to belong. The group is everything.

This phenomenon is also why men get married even though it makes no sense for them to do this. No man wants to be alone. Yet, this desire for companionship is often his undoing as he bonds with those who will bring him down and toss him like a sack of garbage when the time comes.

I am an individualist. I don't go along with the collective. This makes me "selfish." This is why I am estranged from my family and can't make a relationship work for very long. I see social arrangements as existing for mutual benefit. Family and romantic relationships usually devolve into one party exploiting the other. This is why I have friends going back for decades and maintain jobs for years. Those are mutually beneficial. Relatives and girlfriends don't do mutual benefit. Those relationships are not sustainable.

I have a different set of ethics than most people. Their ethics are tribal ethics. My ethics are individual ethics. They believe in sacrifice while I believe in mutual benefit. Are my ethics superior? Yes. They are the ones that lead to freedom, equality, and a universal respect for human rights. Tribal ethics leads to most of the atrocities we witness throughout history.

I don't want to tear down my girlfriend, but her values and mine were never the same. I am an individualist while she is tribalistic. I give reasons. She gives ultimatums. I leaned on her as little as possible. But I was always bailing her out. When I said there was a limit to this, she lost interest in me. And so it goes. . .

People will say that my worldview is too conditional. No one could ever have faith in me that I would be there for them. But the reality is that these conditional relationships that I have are the ones that last the longest. No one makes you buy Coca-Cola, but that is one enduring brand. They just have to keep being what they are.

I am estranged from my mother because she is simply evil. I am estranged from my father because he called me a worthless son of a bitch after all I have done for him. I am estranged from my aunt because I can't be a doormat to family members the way she is. I have broken up with my girlfriend of two years because I don't have the financial security to support her and her children.

The arrangements people want are simple. It is sacrifice for thee but not for me. Who is the selfish one? Is it me for not asking for anything and expecting the same? Or is it them who ask for everything and give nothing in return?

A friend of mine sent this in an email describing the relationship terms he has with his wife:

My wife and I have a simple plan.

Her duties:
Take care of the kids.
Clean the house.
Feed the family.
Fuck me when I am horney regardless of her desire level.

My duties:
Make money and pay the bills.
Don't bang other chicks.
Teach my son to be a man.
Teach my daugher not to trust men.

Needless to say, I have some really funny friends. But the cool thing about this arrangement is that it is a deal with terms and conditions. My terms are these:

Her duties:
Work a job
Pay your bills
Do not cheat

My duties:
Work a job
Pay my bills
Do not cheat

I make my own food, wash my own clothes, and clean up my own mess. Or I neglect it all. But that's my problem. Everything else is negotiable.

My girlfriend did not agree to these terms. She wants a man to pay her bills. I'm not that man. I don't want a housewife. I can hire a housekeeper and eat out for a third of what it would cost me to maintain her. My mom raised me to tend to my own shit mainly because she was too lazy. Ironically, I am grateful for this benign neglect. As my girlfriend put it, "You are the only person in my life that isn't asking me to do something."

My girlfriend would have worked like a slave for me. All I wanted was for her to work for herself. She never got this.

My girlfriend belongs to a tribe of extended family. I do not belong to that tribe. She sacrifices for this tribe. They sacrifice for her. No one can get ahead. I don't sacrifice for anyone, and I do fine.

My ethics are superior. They work. This is because I work. I don't have a safety net. I don't have anyone to lean on or to bail me out. I am all I have. This would suggest I live dangerously, but I do much better than expected. It keeps me on my toes. I practice personal responsibility.

My views on relationships are essentially libertarian. Do not hurt the other person. Rely on yourself. Impose the fewest conditions possible. Women don't want this. So, I must not ever fool myself on this again.

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