I'm a pretty busy guy. Most of my time is consumed by work followed by my studies and my writing. I strive to live every day in a blur of activity. This is because I believe in the Aristotelian principle that happiness comes from a life of productive activity. Unfortunately, that life of productive activity is often interrupted by necessary things that have to be done. But I hate having to do them all the same. Here's the list:
1. Taking a shit.
It never fails. When I am right in the middle of a project, I will feel the urge to purge. I will have to give birth to a blind eel. I will have to beach a whale. I will have to drop the kids off at the pool. These are all euphemisms for taking a shit.
Taking a shit is not a pleasure. It is a chore. I do it and try to get it over with. I don't keep reading material in the bathroom. I don't sit there working on enlarging my hemorrhoids while perusing a moldy Sports Illustrated. I gun that shit and get out of there. My life happens outside of the bathroom not in it. I think of all the time I have spent on the can and that is time that could have been spent doing things I really enjoy like downloading porn. But this biological necessity demands my daily attention, and I have no desire to have a colostomy bag hanging off of me as a substitute.
2. Taking a shower.
This also sucks. Bathing is something I do mostly for other people. My funk tolerance is much higher than that of family, friends, and coworkers esp. when the funk is my own. But I keep washing my dirty ass every damn day. Some days I will even do it twice!!
I have managed to take a bit of the drudgery out of this chore by having a radio in the bathroom. It is permatuned to the NPR news station, so I am able to catch up on world events while I shave and shower. I have seriously considered upgrading to Sirius, so I can have some wider programming (Howard Stern.)
3. Eating.
This is another biological imperative except I do it a lot which may explain why I am so damn fat. But this doesn't mean I like doing it. Most of the time I combine eating with some other activity like driving or surfing the net. I can tell you that breakfast is eaten at the computer and dinner is eaten behind the wheel of the car. I don't eat lunch because it makes me want to take a nap. I normally eat a PowerBar or something and keep going.
4. Grocery shopping.
This really blows. I do my grocery shopping at Wal-Mart because it is so damn cheap. This undoubtedly comes from the employment of small children, the enslavement of Indonesian sex slaves, and the destruction of wide swaths of Brazilian rain forest or whatever else the Left alleges. But the downside of all this capitalist atrocity is that there are a lot of people in Wal-Mart, and I can't move for their fat asses. This is undoubtedly the fault of McDonald's which makes hamburgers from human flesh and tortures the potatoes before slicing them into fries and dropping them into the vegetable oil that is purposely loaded with extract of plutonium to give people cancer. This is just good business.
To make a long story short, I want grocery shopping to be fast and easy but because food is so popular (and will probably continue to be this way) I spend my Saturdays in frustration trying to get all my shit done and still have time left over to do other things like taking a shower or maybe dropping the kids off at the pool. Hell is clinching a turtlehead while waiting three spaces back in the checkout line at Wally World.
Yes, folks, my life is sheer agony. It sucks to be me. But I still manage to live with this endless torture usually with a lot whining thrown in. I call this an "agony transfer." If I can't feel good, I can at least take some small pleasure in the fact that I was able to annoy someone else with my pathetic complaints. Right now, that person is probably you.
Have a good weekend.
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