MONDAY

1. Jay Leno returns to The Tonight Show. I've also returned to pork rinds. Both are not pretty sights.

2. I am getting tired of making the distinction between Chile and chili to the dumbasses of the world.

3. Harold Ford decides against running for senator from New York. He will try and replace Simon Cowell on American Idol instead.

4. AIG sells Asian life insurance unit to repay bailout debt. Next, they will pawn golf clubs and a sweet Gibson electric.

5. The iPhone opens Microsoft's eyes in much the same way a bleeding maimed lamb opens the eyes of a wolfpack. MEMO TO STEVE JOBS: Break your deal with AT&T and get with Verizon and Sprint and T-Mobile.

6. Jessica Simpson's next act? Jenny Craig spokesperson.

7. Paterson overplayed his pimp hand.

8. They changed it to Shutter Island. Bet you can't guess the original title. (HINT: Rhymes with Shitter Island.)

9. The tsunami warnings were a bit like eating Mexican on the weekends instead of during the workweek. Better safe than sorry.

10. I had Mexican today. Big mistake.

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