Q & A

Q: How do you keep something a secret?


A: The way to keep a secret is to not tell anyone. I know that sounds pretty fucking obvious, but I need to explain it further. The only way a secret can remain a secret is if only one person knows it. The moment it gets blabbed to a second person then it is over with. All my secrets have remained secret because I never told anyone. Every secret that I have ever told just one other person has been broadcast to the masses in virtually no time at all. So, I have learned to never tell anyone anything that I don't want the world to know. Telling just one other person is virtually the same as putting it on the front page of the New York Times.

This topic has been on my mind as someone confided in me a secret. I was sworn not to tell anyone which I took seriously. The secret was dumped on me. A short while later, someone else dumped on me the exact same "secret." Pretty soon, everyone knew the secret, and it wasn't because of me. Realizing the secret was no longer a secret, I discussed it with someone and immediately became a "blabbermouth." I had to laugh. It was like being called noisy in a flock of cackling geese.

Once two people know a secret, it isn't a secret anymore. The only hope that a secret can be shared by two people and remain secret is when there are social, legal, and financial repercussions for blabbing. This is why your doctor doesn't go around town telling everyone about your hemorrhoids. It is against the law but also bad for business. Similarly, husbands and wives are good at not dishing dirt on each other because they don't want to lose each other.

My personal philosophy on secrecy is that it is mostly a waste of time. The people who are big on secrecy are usually that way because they are up to no good. This would be government types and corporate management types. They have a vested interest in not having sunlight on their activities, but since their activities depend on more than one person knowing their business, they are always in some trouble or shit as the information comes out anyway. In the age of Wikileaks and the internet, it simply behooves those in charge to learn to live in the daylight instead of desperately trying to maintain a cult of secrecy. Be transparent.

On a sidenote, this inability of people to keep a secret is also why conspiracy theories usually turn out to be bunk. The more elaborate a conspiracy is the less likely it is to succeed because someone somewhere is going to spill the beans on it. Watergate is the most classic example of this. The inherently leaky nature of governments demonstrates that no conspiracy can last long. When they got Osama bin Laden, the really amazing thing was that people in government kept it a secret long enough to pull it off. The lesson in all of this is that if you have valuable info like that, you need to act fast and decisively. I give credit to Barack Obama for doing just that. He saw the opportunity and gave the green light.

If you want to keep a secret, don't tell anyone else. Your secrets are yours. If you tell one other person, it is over with. So, don't tell anyone anything you wouldn't be comfortable seeing on the front page of the New York Times.

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