Me

I got this comment from Mister Agenda over on the SCLB:

You sound smarter on your blog than you do in person.

It made me laugh a bit. I find it funny because I get comments like this all the time. There should be a term for these paradoxical statements. I admit that I have a very conflicted reputation. I'm not sure why that is. Here are some examples:

1. OPTIMIST/PESSIMIST

I get the whole negative/positive thing all the time. I'm either too optimistic or too cynical. It really depends on the issue for me. I will piss on fantasies, but I also like to reassure people that things are almost never as bad as they imagine.

2. SMART/STUPID

I get this a lot as well. People are surprised to discover that I went to college, and I sometimes slip up and use big words. But I also like NASCAR and scatological humor.

3. EGOTISTICAL/HUMBLE

People tell me I am full of myself. They also tell me I hate myself. I don't go around worrying about what other people think about me, and they interpret this one way or the other. I have a blog, a logo, and a self-deprecating wit. Plus, I write blog posts titled "Me." Hmmmm. . . .

4. WORKAHOLIC/SLACKER

This is probably the most troubling for me. I admit to not getting things done, but I do love to work. I find the reason something doesn't get done is because I am maxed out on obligations. I fear being without activity. But I will watch House episodes all afternoon if the mood strikes me, and my schedule permits it.

There are other paradoxes about me that filter back to me along the grapevine. I am either an asshole or a nice guy. I am a troublemaker or an asskisser. It goes on and on and on. I am simply clueless on this stuff. But I think the reason why I have this conflicted reputation is because most people think in categories of two while I think in categories of three. For instance, I think I am neither an optimist nor a pessimist but a realist. Reality can be positive or negative depending on the situation. I also make no distinction between highbrow and lowbrow pursuits. I can read Camus and watch ultimate fighting.

People spend way too much time trying to craft an identity, and I don't do that. I am an individualist, and whatever I like is what I am. I just don't care what people are thinking about me. Combined with being a cultural omnivore, I have a very unusual reputation. I admit to being eclectic and offbeat at times. But what troubles people is when I say or write something or do something that is just right. I do take a certain conceited pleasure in that.

In conclusion, I don't know what to conclude. I am mystified when people hate me, but I am also mystified when they like me. As I tell my brother all the time, I have a strange life. I just know that I wake up each day and have a blast. I think life is amazing. That is because I see identity as a self-imposed limitation. Fuck the limits.

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