The Downward Spiral Revisited

kinda like a cloud i was up way up in the sky and i was feeling some
feelings
you wouldn't believe sometimes i don't believe them myself and i
decided i was
never coming down. just then a tiny little dot caught my eye it was
just about
too small to see. but i watched it way too long and that dot was
pulling me
down.
i was up above it.
i was up above it.
now i'm down in it
--Nine Inch Nails, "Down In It"

My brother told me a story about how he used to get upset by people lying to him or screwing him over. He would get mad and show his ass. But maturity and experience has made my brother a bit more philosophical such that he not only continues to get fucked over, but he has come to expect it. It doesn't even faze him now.

People are slime. I hate to give into that misanthropy, but as someone pointed out, Original Sin is the only bit of Christian theology that is backed up by empirical data. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't anticipate getting what a friend of mine calls "the long dick." What makes that phrase so humorous is the resignation to getting fucked over and merely describing the length of the shaft. Getting the short dick is a good day.

Like my brother, I accept that I am going to get fucked over. People make promises to me all the time, and I know those promises are empty. I know they are lying to me even as they tell me the lies.

There was a time not too long ago that I reached the absolute lowest point in my life. I got out of that mire of despair by choosing to believe in something. I could not choose to believe in optimism because optimism is a lie. Though it might make you feel better, optimism is self-deception. It is not an accurate view of reality. I'd rather have the bleak truth than a sunny lie.

I chose to believe in what I called "Balanced Thinking." In other words, things are neither as good nor as bad as they can possibly be but hit a sort of middle ground. For instance, in the long run, we're dead, but we are alive now. I'm not rich like Bill Gates, but I have things that Queen Victoria could only dream of.

I chose to believe in things like the free market, freedom, individualism, and the possibility of happiness. I realized that it was OK to pursue one's own self-interest and to not feel guilty about it. And I quit judging people for being selfish because self-interest is necessary and even moral.

What makes people good or bad isn't the presence or absence of self-interest but their rationality. Selfishness is a given. All people pursue their own happiness. To give an example, some shitheads claimed that the heroes of Flight 93 on 9/11 were trying to save the White House and "the country." This is utter nonsense. The people on board 93 were trying to save their own asses, and I see nothing immoral about it. That is the folly of our times that an act loses its legitimacy because it was done out of self-preservation rather than self-sacrifice. But I digress. . .

I'm just sick of people's lies. I'm tired of their lack of honor. I'm exhausted with their hypocrisy. Ironically, these are the people who preach the most about "duty" and "sacrifice." It is absolutely nauseating. I know a man who professes to be a Christian and even had as his job the duty to police the honesty and integrity of other people. But when the shit came down, he lied through his teeth to cover his own ass. He was no better than any heathen motherfucker he would condemn for their iniquity. Jesus wept.

I am a scoundrel. I say this because I don't want people thinking I am a great guy. A good reputation can only lead to profound disappointment. I figure if you think I'm a slimebag I won't ever let you down. I may even surprise you once in awhile. In short, it is a way of underpromising and overdelivering.

But most people aren't like me. It reminds me of that anti-semitic joke. How does a Jew say fuck you? TRUST ME. The reality is that remark can be applied to almost anyone.

I have a dim view of humanity. I want to believe that people can be trusted. The reality is that I have done better not relying on people. Even the people who help me do so only to preach at me and try to run my life for me.

People only care about you to the extent that you do something for them. That may be a cold remark, but it is a true one. The sympathy and compassion of others is short. People will claim to care about you, but they say these things to assuage their own consciences. It is mere sentiment and nothing more. In the long run, you will be forgotten. If you don't believe this, think of all the neglected people in nursing homes in this country. They are warehoused by families who literally don't give a fuck.

People are going to fuck you. That's just the way it is. Consequently, your happiness is always in peril. You can't start a business without some bureaucrat wanting to shut you down, the taxman wanting to tax you into poverty, or some fuckhead trying to sue your ass into oblivion. You can spend a lifetime trying to cultivate a reputation of integrity, but there will always be somebody shameless and vindictive enough to lie about you.

This misanthropy leads to coldness and remoteness. I find it hard to trust people. I think of Scooter Libby who will go to prison for protecting the President of the United States. Libby probably deserves this. From a political point of view, I applaud his conviction. From a personal viewpoint, I am nauseated by George Bush who will not pardon Libby because it might make him look bad in the eyes of the media or the historians. Basically, Bush gave Libby the long dick. I know it, and the rest of the country knows it. This is where loyalty gets you. You get fucked without the courtesy of a reacharound.

This is a bitter pill to swallow, but I am being as honest as I can be here. It is this dark nature of humanity that keeps me from marrying. Right now, I regularly get chastised and lectured to by my current significant other about my marriage phobia. Yet, right now, I worry that she is sleeping in another man's arms as I type this.

Infidelity is the norm. This is why I will never get married. I've never cheated on a girlfriend, and I never will. But I've seen enough to know that you are an idiot to ever trust a woman. Love is bullshit. I don't believe in it. By not getting married, I can end the relationship as easily as it began. It's not that I don't want to be happily married. I do. I want it the same way I want to go heaven when I die. But I know that heaven does not exist. Neither does wedded bliss.

People are what keep me going in life, but people have let me down so much that I can't stand the hurt of it anymore. I have grown numb to it all. I don't care anymore. I am giving over to the darkness. There's no point in fighting it anymore. I spend my time trying to convince myself of something I know isn't true. If it were true, it wouldn't take so much effort.

The human race isn't worth a damn. That is the bottom line. I trust people not because I want to. I trust people because I have to. I trust that the grill man at McDonald's isn't squirting some special sauce on my burger. But many of us have eaten cum unawares. Recent food contamination is almost certainly due to people not giving a fuck that pets or people will die as a result of their dishonesty. Yet, I keep buying groceries because I have to eat.

I trust people out of necessity. I wish I didn't have to. But the world is full of liars, crooks, and thieves. Look no further than the halls of Congress to see this. It is what P.J. O'Rourke called "a parliament of whores." Yet, the American people elect these crooks because the people themselves are crooked looking for a handout or whatnot. We are a nation of parasites looking to live at the expense of others.

I am not a man of faith, but there are still a few things I like to cling to that keep me hanging around in this world. The first is that it is possible to be happy in this world. The second is that there are people in this world that care about you. But I don't believe in these things anymore. They are illusions. They are the lies I tell myself to stay alive. I no longer believe those lies.

I'm taking a sabbatical from the blog for awhile. I'm simply too depressed to keep it up anymore. I have given over. I don't have the fight in me anymore.

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