Tuesday, February 6, 2007

How to Shit in a Public Restroom

Every so often, this blog pretends to give you information that is important for improving the quality of your life. This is one of those moments.

It is almost impossible to make it through your life without having at some point to take a dump in a public facility. This fills most people with dread because of what economists call the "tragedy of the commons." In other words, because public toilets are public, people do not care for them the way they would for their own private bathrooms. Seriously, would you spray diarrhea all over the john at home? I don't think so.

Because of the tragedy of the commons, you can reliably count on a public toilet to be splattered with piss and/or shit. This is because human beings are filthy animals with no regard for their fellow humans. But all of this is academic compared to your very real need to drop a deuce. When you gotta go, you gotta go.

The goal is to make due with such a piss and shit splattered environment. Some people will suggest using an "ass gasket" which is either provided for you in a case behind the toilet or crudely fashioned from layered toilet paper. This is a waste of time and a bit of overkill. I have a better way.

The first thing to remember about a public toilet seat is that it is cleaner than your average kitchen countertop. This is because people prepare foods in their kitchen that contain salmonella and e.coli. Like it or not, you would be better off licking a toilet seat than licking a cutting board or kitchen counter. I don't recommend this, but you should put out of your mind the idea that you are going to get some kind of infectious disease from a public toilet seat by planting your ass there.

The second thing to remember is that urine is sterile. Unlike shit, you are not going to catch anything from someone else's piss. With these facts in mind, let us proceed to the shitting.

For your first step, you want to grab the handicapped stall. Unlike parking spaces, there is no rule that says you can't use the big stall. I like the extra space, and I think you will, too. But if you can't grab a handicapped stall, you can still follow the remaining steps.

The second step is to flush the toilet. Before using a public toilet, you need to make sure it works. I have encountered some that were plugged up from a previous deposit or didn't flush at all. By flushing the toilet, you demonstrate that it is working and will save a dreaded possible runover that could wet your paints with shitty water.

The third step is to make sure there is toilet paper available. You don't want to do your business and find out that you can't complete the paperwork. This really sucks, and it could happen to you. I recommend grabbing some napkins or other paper and keep it handy just in case. This will depend on whether the crapper is in a restaurant or a convenience store or what have you. Use your ingenuity on this.

The fourth step is to take some paper (either toilet paper or hand towels) to the sink, wet it liberally, and fill it with that nifty antibacterial handsoap that just about every place has. Take this and clean the toilet seat with it. Be sure to do the underside as well since there is often piss and shit there as well. This may be gross, but it beats sitting in piss and shit or shitting yourself.

The fifth step is to drop paper all over the floor in front of the toilet. This will soak up the piss puddle that always forms in front of a toilet from guys with bad aims and short peckers.

The sixth step is to dry the seat with more paper and ascend the throne. Do your business and give a courtesy flush. Flush often while wiping your ass. This will prevent clogging up the toilet. I usually do three wipes per flush. This is a good ratio.

And there you have it. You have successfully took a dump in a public restroom on a toilet seat that in all likelihood was cleaner than the one you have at home.

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