I can't think about or watch an episode of The Sopranos without thinking of the concept of "family."
Tony Soprano and Co. are a family. This means they will look after you. This may include breaking your fucking head, but hey, that's what family is all about. Capiche?
The only difference between the Sopranos and your typical American family is that the typical American family doesn't threaten to whack you if you fail to conform. But they have other sanctions they employ which amounts to talking a lot of shit about you or nagging you to death.
When it comes to people, there seem to be two options--
A. Loneliness
B. Aggravation
Being alone sucks, but the upside is that no one is around to bother you. But the only cure for loneliness is company which means dealing with aggravation.
Aggravation comes from the desire to control others. This could be your desire to control others or their desire to control you. But either way, that's where the frustration comes in. And the closer you get to certain people, the more control (and aggravation) you experience. That's why every married man I meet tells me that it is tough.
I hate to be controlled. I hate when people try to exert force over me or influence me to conform. I hate to be nagged. And I definitely don't want to be told how to live my life. Now, friends and coworkers usually respect these "rules" of mine but not family. Your family members think they have a right to govern you, your beliefs, and your behavior. They force their values upon you until you either obey, or you lash out.
I can't stand this shit. I especially can't stand it when I get lectured to about reading and thinking too much by a bunch of shitheaded illiterate clusterfucks. I also can't stand getting a fucking lecture about my personality and all my "deficiencies." And believe me, nothing makes me want to punch out someone's grill more than when a family member who I tolerate with all their bullshit hangups and failings without a word of criticism decides to issue some judgment about me usually about a problem they have but which they have projected onto me.
Family is a tool of tyranny. We can thank former Vice President Dan Quayle for highlighting this relationship with his "family values" rhetoric from long ago. But a family is merely another term for the Collective. Or as the Borg would put it, "Prepare to be assimilated. Resistance is futile."
I don't want to be controlled. I don't want to be told what to do. And I don't want advice unless I ask for it. Conversely, I'm not interested in policing other family members. I genuinely honestly don't give a fuck about what a relative may do. Their lives are their own. But none of them ever extends the same courtesy to me.
This principle is most clearly highlighted in the marriage relationship. Despite the high rate of infidelity which is virtually ubiquitous, irreconcilable differences is the primary reason cited in divorce. Why is this? Because a marriage is a constant powerplay with someone trying to wring conformity from them. Wives nag husbands, and husbands beat wives. . .er, argue back.
People will tell you that what you need in a marriage is compatibility and compromise. Both of these are closely related to conformity. Basically, if you want to be happy in a marriage, just shut your fucking mouth and do what you're told. Pardon me if I'm not particularly eager to jump into this shit.
I am not interested in running someone else's life, and you better believe I am not interested in having someone run my life for me. That is really the genesis of all conflict. The nagging wife, the bitch mother-in-law, the bastard father, and the nagging mother are all archetypes in society. They are fodder for endless comedy, and it is because they are so recognizable.
I don't want to be in a family anymore, and this is because family members think they have a license to rule over you. The best relationship is friendship. I have had friends who have been more brother to me than any sibling I could ever have. They were there for me without judging me or telling me what to do. I respected their autonomy, and they respected mine.
Is loneliness the price of being an individualist? I don't think so. I make friends everywhere I go. And I have encountered quite a few laidback females who were like me. They just wanted to be friends, have a good time, and maintain their own lives. Like me, they believed in freedom as a lifestyle, and they were a bit quirky. But I must admit to being a dumbass and letting them go by while wasting my time on the more autocratic females.
The loneliness/aggravation thing was a bit of an epiphany for me, but it makes sense. The answer is to apply my wider belief in freedom to the more personal areas of my life. I find I get along much better with people because I don't go around telling them what to do. And I also don't hesitate to let people know that I expect the same courtesy in return. Live and let live.
0 comments:
Post a Comment