WEDNESDAY

1. Carlos Slim overtakes Bill Gates as the world's richest man. Carlos also drinks Dos Equis. Stay thirsty, my friends.

2. Corey Haim offs himself. Corey Feldman lives!!

3. I thought Haim would outlive Lindsay Lohan. I lost a lot of money on that bet.

4. Next bet: Who croaks first--Lindsay Lohan or Amy Winehouse?

5. Rush Limbaugh vows to leave for Costa Rica if healthcare passes. Plus, OxyContin is cheaper there.

6. Marion Jones signs up to play in the WNBA. She developed a thing for showering with naked women while in the big house.

7. "Jihad Jane," the most unlikely al-Qaeda terrorist in history, was recruited into the organization because of her insatiable lust for bearded men who abuse women, fuck camels, and wipe their asses with their bare left hands.

8. Obama expands the program to fight fraud and waste in government healthcare programs. For one tenth of a nanosecond, a poor deluded fuck in Van Nuys, California, who had just taken a deep bong hit believed this fresh load of horseshit emanating from the Obama White House. Then, he laughed, came to his senses, snarfed a few more Dorito's, and flipped the channel to Jerry Springer.

9. Chief Justice John Roberts derides the State of the Union as a political pep rally. Under his breath, he also muttered something about Obama being a cocksucker piece of shit.

10. Ben Roethlisberger admits sexual contact with his accuser but no intercourse, and she slipped, fell, and busted her head. TRANSLATION: Ben was getting a blow job in the bathroom and grabbed the back of her head and throat fucked her. He raped her face. Jurisprudence will sink to new lows with this case, folks.

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