TUESDAY

1. The throttle on my Prius got stuck, and I ran over a polar bear cub. Will Al Gore hate me now?

2. Howard Stern unleashed on Precious star Gabourey Sidibe:

There's the most enormous, fat black chick I've ever seen. She is enormous. Everyone's pretending she's a part of show business and she's never going to be in another movie. She should have gotten the Best Actress award because she's never going to have another shot. What movie is she gonna be in?

Oprah's another liar, a filthy liar. She's telling an enormous woman the size of a planet that she's going to have a career.

3. Michelle Obama donates her inaugural gown to the Smithsonian. There was no similar interest in the T-shirt I barfed on when that lying fucker got sworn in.

4. YouTube should have awards similar to the Oscars. Suggested categories:

-Best faceplant
-Best lighted fart
-Best shot to the nuts

5. A California sushi bar was caught selling whale meat. In an unrelated incident, real cow meat was discovered in a Big Mac in Connecticut.

6. Rahm Emanuel likes to threaten congressmen with his penis.

7. 1 in 6 Americans are infected with herpes. If you don't count nerds, 40-year-old virgins, and people who live in their parent's basement, it is more like 1 in 2.

8. The best defense against an STD is a deep fascination with all things Star Wars.

9. There is a disturbing group of nerds who contemplate what would have happened if Luke had made it with his sister Leia.

10. Famous coke whore Lindsay Lohan sues E*Trade over their infamous milk whore baby Superbowl ad because of trademark and personal likeness infringement. I don't think I need to write a joke for this one because it is damn funny just like it is.

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