MONDAY

1. The Hurt Locker wins best picture. But was it in 3D? Hell, no. Avatar was in 3 FUCKING D! You can't have the best picture without 3D.

2. I watched a 3D porno once and got poked in the eye.

3. No one will take a personal check from California anymore.

4. Dan Rather says Obama makes a horrible watermelon salesman. I'm still waiting for the fried chicken gaffe.

5. Dan Rather would get higher ratings on HDNet if he were in 3D.

6. Obama tells health insurers that he will put them in the hurt locker if they don't go along with his tomfuckery. Plus, that shit will be in 3D.

7. Lil Wayne delayed his sentencing again because he hadn't seen The Hurt Locker yet. I hate to tell him, but that shit is not in 3D.

8. I promise my next joke will not have anything to do with 3D.

9. Big Ben Roethlisberger is accused of sexually assaulting a woman in a Georgia nightclub. I'm not able to make a funny joke out of this because 3D has been disabled.

10. For fun, I like to dress up as a blue alien and go to the movie theater and poke people in the eye.

Posted in: