Love is Not Bullshit

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Once upon a time, I met a plumber who used to skydive as a hobby. The man had over 100 jumps to his credit. I asked him if he was still jumping out of perfectly good airplanes. He said that he had given it up because it was boring. After jumping out of a plane so many times, he said it was no different to him than stepping out of his backdoor.

I share this story because it serves to illustrate a nagging doubt I have about the Schopenhauer Thesis. For those unfamiliar with this, the Schopenhauer Thesis refers to the philosopher Arthur Schopenhauer and his pessimistic views on love. They mirror my own in many ways, but I am starting to move away from it in a very significant way.

According to the ST, love is purely biological. We fall in love because we have an overriding need to reproduce. Eventually, these feelings fade and give way to misery or simply boredom. In short, love is bullshit. As a reader here put it, "Love is nature's trick to make us reproduce."

Love is chemicals in the brain. There is no doubt about this. But this is true of everything. When you enjoy a sunset, chemicals move in your brain and make it enjoyable to you. The love of a mother for her child is also very similar and very powerful. It is also chemicals in the brain. Children secrete pheromones that help mothers bond to the children.

If you are starting to balk at this chemical reductionism, you are not alone. I am rejecting it as well. Human beings are complex creatures, and the Schopenhauer Thesis is too simple to accomodate the reality we see each day. I will now highlight my point.

If a mother loves her offspring out of biology, why do they also love adopted children as much as their own? Clearly, choice plays some role in this. I would say it is a primary role.

In the area of love, you have one night stands where people do not love each other. You also have fuck buddies who are not in love with each other. You also have lovers who are never able to consummate their relationships like those between crazy women and incarcerated men they have married. People even fall in love online or through letters though they have never met. Look at stalkers to get a clue on this.

It is my personal belief that all love begins as a choice, and this choice is voluntary. We choose who we love, and we choose to love them. We also choose not to love them. And love lasts as long as the choice lasts.

For the vast majority of people, living with someone becomes a burden. It becomes boring or routine. Or they meet someone they like better. Or take your pick. The problem isn't that love is bullshit. The problem is that most people aren't worth a shit.

Let us look at a case study. Paul McCartney was married to Linda Eastman in 1969 and remained with her until her death in 1998. They never spent more than one week apart during that time. This was a relationship of true love. If Schopenhauer were correct, those two should have broken up long before. Both of them had been in failed relationships, but the two of them worked out very well together. Had Linda McCartney lived, I believe they would still be together today.

In 2002, Paul McCartney married Heather Mills. By 2006, they were done. This seems to match the Schopenhauer Thesis.

Why did Sir Paul remain with Linda for so long while he could not make things work with Heather Mills? That is pretty obvious. Heather Mills was a fucking psycho bitch.

Love is only as good as the people who share it. That is the bottom line. There is no reason inherent in love that makes it fruitless and unlasting. Schopenhauer's big problem was that he was a pessimistic grump who was sexually frustrated. Who wants that shit?

It is my sincere belief that you can find someone and love them for a lifetime. Sometimes, people get tired of each other much like our skydiving plumber got tired of jumping out of airplanes. But I think for most people, they grow tired of putting out the effort. The biggest threat to love is just plain laziness. People stop giving a shit after awhile. I see this all the time on the job or seeing people accumulate the detritus of abandoned hobbies in their garages. A failed marriage is no different than a set of dust covered golf clubs. As my wise friend put it, "It is easier to start over with someone else than to fix what you've got."

This is true, and I will not fault a person for deciding to leave a relationship. This might be because of all the times I have made this choice. You really don't have a choice. As I said, it is only as good as the people involved, and it definitely takes two to make it work.

I believe that passion can last for years and even decades. Schopenhauer is simply wrong. Love is not an ephemeral thing. But love will not last abuse or infidelity or someone who has lost interest or what have you. Love between two people that actually care and are worth a damn are all that it takes.

Love is not blind. If it was, people would never divorce or break up. In all my break ups, I loved the woman even as I was dumping her. I may have loved them, but I don't love anyone more than myself. If I find myself in a bad spot, I will get myself out of it no matter how much it hurts.

All of this is a real change for me, and I must credit my wise friend for this. He has been with the same woman since high school. He basically told me what I am telling you now. Love means working at it, and most people are just too fucking lazy to do it.

I don't know if this will change anything for me, but I am not as miserable on this topic as I once was. I can't change the women I date, but I can certainly change myself. I can work at it, and that work makes a difference.

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