Sunday, April 6, 2008

Cheap Forgiveness

I have spent a lot of time thinking about the issue of forgiveness. Clearly, there is no love without forgiveness. We have to forgive because we all fuck up in some way. And we have to hold people accountable or else they will walk all over us.

Cheap forgiveness is when we let people off the hook without accoutability. It really isn't forgiveness at all but merely sweeping it all under the rug. The result of cheap forgiveness is a smoldering rage. And the person who has been "forgiven" often goes on to do the same shit again and again.

Now, I am not into punishment or revenge. That shit is a waste of time. Beyond public shame, I don't believe in getting even. The worst I will ever do is run my mouth.

I insist that when people do me wrong they must apologize. I want to hear the words that they are sorry. This isn't about ridicule or embarrassment. There is no shame in owning up to what you have done. Instead, there is dignity. And I am not into rubbing people's noses in it. What is forgiven should be forgotten.

Cheap forgiveness is the easy path, but it ends in ruin. There is no relationship after that. There is only buried pain and mistrust. It will surface again with an extra helping of bitterness.

There are also those who cannot forgive even when you apologize. These people live in their own unqiue hell. I find women are most prone to this. They can forgive but are unable to forget. This results in the same thing as cheap forgiveness. As I said, it really isn't forgiveness.

People may fault me for holding to my principles on this, but it matters. I want to forgive. I am forgiving by nature. But I can't just let stuff go. I am worth apologizing to. Anyone who can't tell me they are sorry for what they have done is not a friend of mine and never will be. Anyone who can give me an apology will have my forgiveness. It is automatic.

Cheap forgiveness is the excess. Non-forgiveness is the deficiency. Proper forgiveness is the mean. This is virtue.

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