Saturday, March 1, 2008

Tripping Over the Hole in My Heart

This has been a tough month for me. February 2008 will go down as one of the worst months I have ever endured. I haven't felt this bad since I found my roommate dead from a self-inflicted wound.

I have been making myself move on as best I can. Just when you think the bad feelings have passed, they come right back and drill into your heart. The feelings come and go. Sometimes, I am able to be ecstatic and happy over something. It is a momentary forgetfulness. Then, I crash back to earth again.

I cannot fall in love again. I cannot keep enduring this, and it always ends like this. I feel like someone who has had major surgery and must endure until the wounds heal. I must be insufferable to everyone around me.

I really really REALLY hate this shit. I just want it to stop hurting. How I wish I had never met her. How I wish there was a pill or something that would alleviate this misery. I only have time.

I really hate that bitch. I hate her fucking guts for making me feel like this. I have to strengthen my cynical armor, so that this NEVER happens again. The moment I feel anything for a woman again I will be out of there. No hesitation or explanation. I will be gone.

I'm going to get over this shit. I just have to have faith that things will be better. As my brother said about quitting smokeless tobacco, it sucks and then it doesn't. You just have to push through that shit. I am pushing through this shit.

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