The Hated

As expected, my family has turned against me, and I am now out in the cold. And so it goes. . .

My father has always hated me. I am a failure to him. Nothing I have ever done for him was good enough. To him, I am a worthless piece of shit. I made the mistake of being born, and he has never let me forget it.

I don't want to be around that man ever again. I don't care to ever see him again. I do not want him in my life. I thought I could forgive, but I know I can't.

I am at peace when I am not around him. I like myself again when I don't have to hear his mouth. I want to live when I am free of him. I lose all those things when I am around him.

If losing my family is what it takes for me to be happy, then I will pay that price. They can hate me. I don't care. I'm not ever getting sucked into that black hole of misery again. I will do whatever it takes.

I may be cold and indifferent to my old man, but I became that way the day I overheard him tell a complete stranger that I was a "worthless son of a bitch." I have tried my best to forget that I heard him say that, but I can't. I realize that this is what he says all the time about me when I am not around. I know it has not stopped. It will never stop.

I teach people how I want to be treated. I teach them that it is OK to shit on me when I put up with their shit. I'm not doing this anymore. I don't care if it is a stranger or a blood relative. I am not a victim. I don't want sympathy. I don't want revenge. I just want to be treated the way people want me to treat them. This means not calling me a worthless son of a bitch.

I want my own life, and I don't want either one of my parents in that life. I like my life, and I intend to keep it. It isn't much, but it is mine. I wake up everyday and go to my job and come home to my apartment. It is all mine. I worked for this. I deserve this. I deserve to be happy.

My father has never been happy unless someone else is miserable. He delights when others fail. He laughs heartily to hear of the faults and downfalls of others. It is sick, and I hate him for it. It is not enough that I am a failure to him. He wants to see me fail, so he can have a laugh at my stupidity.

My family may hate me for this, but they don't hear him laughing at their flaws and their mistakes and gloating at their setbacks and sins. I do. I have heard it my whole life. That man hasn't changed. He is not going to change.

I do not swear blind allegiance to anything and that includes family. Blind allegiance is what got me into the pit of despair I was in not that long ago. When you live for the sake of others, those others will consume you until nothing is left. Then, they will toss you like garbage. Altruists and narcissists have a way of finding each other. I am neither an altruist nor a narcissist.

My values clash with those of my family. This outcome was inevitable. I have always felt this tension. Maybe I am stupid, but I can't let people shit on me. Calling it duty and honor does not cut it for me. There is no greater good. There is only my good. I am selfish. I sacrifice for no one, and no one will sacrifice for me. This is the way it should be.

No one is taking away this life from me. My dad takes it away everytime he opens his mouth. But I can't hear him anymore. I won't listen to him ever again. He thinks my mother is to blame for this. The blame lies with him. I am a worthless son of a bitch. So be it.

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