The Fear of Commitment

Am I afraid of commitment? Yes, I am. I'll tell you why.

I think of all my past girlfriends and where I would be now if I had taken the plunge with them. I know I'd probably be in jail right now with one most definitely. I'd be a cuckold with another. I'd be in a sexless loveless marriage with another. I'd be at a funeral with still another. And with this last one, I'd be penniless and broke the rest of my life.

Yes, I am afraid of commitment. You can love someone and know they are bad for you. You hope your influence will change them, but they usually bring you down to their level.

I'm not afraid of problems. Problems are a given. There will be disagreements. You may not always see eye to eye. But I know you have to tolerate things like that. I realize that anyone who stays with me has to put up with a lot of bullshit.

I am also not afraid of kids. I can't count how many times that shit has been thrown in my face. I never had kids, and I feel that emptiness acutely now as I get older.

I am afraid of infidelity and drug addiction and alcohol abuse and suicidal depression and financial ruin. I'm not afraid of the woman. I am afraid of her problems especially those I know I can't tolerate. I've never been married, but I already have plenty of horror stories involving bad women.

There's nothing wrong with me except the residue of bullshit from bad relationships. I am guilty of judging every woman I meet through that dirty lens. It is unfair, and I have done wrong as a consequence of it. I am also quick to exit when a big problem arises.

When I am alone, I tend to get better from a mental point of view, but my habits start to slide. When I am with someone, my habits get better, but I become more and more paranoid as I love them more and more. This is because my heart is taking over from my rational mind, and my mind rebels. That is because this was how it started the last time I got myself into a mess with some woman. My feelings overcome my logic.

I would love to be married, have a house, children, a cat and a dog, and everything. I want this. I have no fear of committing to this. And this vision is not one of pure idyllic bliss. I imagine a wife who nags the shit out of me because I have been slacking on something or been stupid about something. Hell, I want this. I have a high tolerance for getting bitched out. I gravitate towards woman who have the strength to put me in my place. I admire them, and they excite me.

But I walk away from the things that conflict with this vision and this dream. I want this to be my life. At 37, I don't think I will ever have it. I don't have a fear of commitment. I have a fear of compromise. I'm not throwing away my life on a whore, a drunk, a druggie, a psycho, or a spendthrift. I find that most women don't want the same things I do. They want the freedom that my support brings to do the things they do. The reality is that I will support the positive things. I won't support the negative things.

I'm a good man. I don't like to say this, but I am. The reason I don't like to say this is because I know nice guys finish last. So, I have gotten meaner. I put up with less and less these days. I am finding out that the only one who looks out for my interests is me.

I hate being a bachelor. It would be fun if I liked partying and keeping with whores. But I don't. I've tried to like it, but I am not temperamentally suited for it. I am a husband and a father who never got what he wanted. I have to figure out where I went wrong on this.

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