Saturday Morning Misery

I really really really miss my girlfriend right now. She will be starting her taper this week for the Myrtle Beach Marathon. Probably do one last long run today.

I doubt she will ever forgive me for what I have done, but I have to do what I have done. I kept my mouth shut for too long on this. OTOH, someone has to love you before they ever listen to you. I had to build the relationship first.

I love that woman. I love her so much I can't even breathe. I have been in pain and misery for a week.

My Grets is a spender. She reminds me of my alcoholic ex-girlfriend who eventually stole my car. She is sutbborn, and you can't talk to her at all. She says I am being mean, but I am actually being nice. She simply doesn't get it.

I don't value money more than my girlfriend. I love her more than all the money in the world. I want to give her a better life, and that would be very easy to accomplish for me. But she doesn't listen. She won't listen.

I am a winner on this because I have either done what was best for me by cutting her loose before destroying me, or I will get her back with some clarity and change on this issue.

Grets has a problem, and she doesn't see it. She has a good job making more than me. But she can't pay her bills even with the financial assistance of a lot of friends and family including myself. She blows her money on bullshit. Maybe I am being unfair on this, but I don't think so. I don't say what I really want to say because I don't want to hurt her feelings any further.

I really love this woman. She hates me so much now, and she thinks she is right. She doesn't have a problem, and I want to believe that. I really want to believe that. I am desperate to be back with her. This tough love approach hurts bad. But I am already committed to this. To stop now would be to let all my suffering on this be for nothing.

I want to spend the rest of my life with Grets. I want to buy her a house and go travel the world with her. I want her daughter to be able to get an education without having to go into debt for it. I want my Grets to be able to live free of stress and worry over finances. I want her to be happy.

I have been an enabler. I knew from the moment I met her that she was a spender. I wanted to end it with her right then and save myself this present pain. But I was already falling for her even then.

Everyone has their bad habits including me. Some are tolerable such as nailbiting or being a pack rat. Others are not. For me, these would be being a drunk or a drug addict or in the case of Grets, a spender.

She won't listen to me. She is very smart and has her shit together in every other way. She doesn't need to be "fixed." She just needs a little money to get by right now.

I'm not a skinflint. I've already paid for a lot of stuff for her and her daughter. I 'd spend even more on the daughter, but I have a rule to never outspend a parent on that parent's kid. I know I would feel bad if someone bought something for my kid that I could not get them. Kids never see all that their parents do for them, but they do see the shiny doodads. I can buy a lot of shiny doodads because I have it to blow. This is because I don't have kids to feed. It's not my place to do things like that.

I am terribly upset right now. This has been a truly awful week for me. I have been plagued with self-doubt over this. Am I doing the right thing? I have consulted with all my friends and family and tried to present the most objective picture that I can, and they all tell me I am doing the right thing. They all agree I could have been a little nicer about it, and I probably could have. But in the end, my girlfriend would rather keep her problem than keep me. It hurts to admit that, but there it is.

Greta is the daughter of a rich man who bought her everything, and she has spent her adult life wanting the same thing in a boyfriend or husband. She's not a gold digger. She just can't manage her finances, and she wants a man to fix the problems for her. I am that man. She just doesn't like the solution that I have for her problems. My good habits on this will never be enough to overcome the bad habits on her side. I would be nothing more than host to a parasite. Not a healthy relationship.

All of this began because I could not have a rational discussion with her about money. I was fixing to move in with her, and this is a conversation that every couple needs to have before that big step. She wasn't having it. So, here we are.

I have to hope that she comes to her senses. I had some issues and probably still have them. But I am willing to work on them with transparency and honesty. Grets isn't. She has changed a lot in her life, and I am very proud of her. She is my hero on so many things. She doesn't hesitate to put her foot up my ass when I need it. I don't worry about whether that was a nice foot up the ass or a mean foot up the ass.

I am the bad guy. I am the villain because I point out the biggest problem in her life. This problem is so big that it affects the lives of all those around her and threatens her own goals and dreams for the future. I suspect this is not the first time this problem has come up for her.

I don't know if Greta ever really loved me. I just don't know. Better to find out now than find out later. In the meantime, I must count her as gone and move on to the next thing. I did the right thing. I know this.

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