Resolutions

It's a new year, and with it come resolutions to lose weight, quit smoking, blah blah blah. By Febuary, they will be totally abandoned. I know because I have had the same two resolutions going back to high school--get in shape and quit being a slob. Still working on those.

I hate making resolutions I can't keep, so here's a list of resolutions I've made that I know I can keep:

1. Quit helping people.

I'm a softhearted person, but that ends in 2007. No more charity. I'm not bailing anyone out ever again. It is a waste of time, and the only thing you will get from it is grief and ingratitude. Are you homeless? Fuck you. Husband beating you? Fuck you. Orphaned? Fuck you.

2. Treat women like shit.

That's really an overstatement. The bottom line is that I am going to give up on the belief that women will like you if you treat them nice. They won't.

3. Be more openly hostile to religion.

I'm just going to quit hiding it and admit it. If you believe in God, you have shit for brains.

4. Quit pulling practical jokes.

People will tell you that they can take a joke, but they can't. I remember where I pulled a joke where I pretended to be drunk and had pissed my pants. The piss was actually tap water I splashed on the front of my pants. Even after the joke had been revealed, I was still an asshole for doing it. And the people who are the sorest losers on this shit are invariably the ones who like to pull these kinds of jokes. I can laugh when a joke is pulled on me, but I have concluded that I am the only one.

5. Stop eating in the car.

I am a busy person and like a lot of busy people, I eat behind the wheel. The result is a car full of trash and food crumbs. Whatever time and money I saved with this multitasking is eaten up by having to clean up the shit and the lowered resale value of my car. So, I'm going to indulge myself and sit down at a table to eat my meals. If you can't take time to eat like a civilized human being, then you really are too busy.

6. Stop eating at my desk.

This is really the same thing as eating in the car. My desk is always littered with the detritus of meals eaten while at my computer. I don't think I ever eat at my kitchen table. Time to slow down and enjoy my food.

I think that does it for my list of achievable resolutions. I'm going to go eat now away from my desk.

Happy New Year.

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