I am in a bad mood. I think being awake since 2 a.m. is the primary cause of this. I just feel really cranky. I need some cheese with this whine.
As I have discussed before, I have inner turmoil which springs from my relationships with other people. My bitching and whining about it appeals to a lot of readers here because it reflects their own frustrations and anger. There are a lot of people out there who are just filled with pure goddamn bitterness. My own bitterness will abate when I get some sleep.
My frustrations with people come from the fact that I can't change them. Of course, I don't really want to change them either. People are free to live as they please as long as they don't hurt me. But people have a habit of hurting me. I would like to change this, but I know that just ain't gonna happen.
Christians will tell me that I need to forgive these people. There may be some wisdom in that. The problem is none of these people can bring themselves to say, "I am sorry." I don't expect them to grovel or eat shit. I have hurt people before, and I have regretted it. When I have done this, I have gone to these people and told them I was sorry. I even apologize if the action was unintentional. I make regular apologies and take the blame for things I have done.
I just think of this as common decency. I am amazed at how many people there are that lack this common decency. Here are some of the examples of this lack of decency:
-People employ the CYA principle when they fuck shit up. Instead of owning their actions and taking responsibility, they lie through their teeth and try to dodge the blame.
-People make a vow to their spouses to remain faithful. Yet, the vast majority of them will commit adultery.
-Employers routinely lie to new hires to sucker them into taking the job. Then, they are mystified later when those same people get mad and leave for other jobs and wonder what happened to company loyalty.
-Fathers are ridiculed as idiots in the media, and husbands are just suckers to be taken for their money. And women wonder why men have lost interest in getting married.
The analogy that I have been using lately is this. Imagine a dinner party you are having. You invite over a guest who thoroughly enjoys the meal you have prepared. Then, without warning, he drops his pants and takes a massive shit on the dinner plate that he just cleaned. This sounds like an utterly ridiculous scenario. Yet, this is precisely what people do. And they wonder why they don't get invited back.
My brother did this exact thing to me. I used to listen to his conversations on many occasions on my cellphone. He talked about everything, and I always listened. I know it sucks to be stuck in an office all day working by yourself, and your only social interaction is with clients. I was an outlet for him. I even downloaded and started using Skype to make it easier and cheaper to talk with him. Then, he had to shit on me. To be honest, I was waiting for it. And he did it. He had to do it. It is his nature.
My old man did much the same thing to me. I put aside a chunk of my life to come work for him because he was stricken with MS. I love my father, and I think I would do anything in the world for him. I have cried and raged over the fact that he has MS. I have spent so much time in grief over his condition that it drove me to the brink of breakdown. And then, one day I overheard him having a phone conversation with someone. He was talking about me, and he said that I was a worthless son of a bitch.
My aunt gave me my life back when I had considered it gone. I will always be grateful to her for this. But she demanded that I make some reconciliation with my father. She wanted me to make up with the man who considers me to be a worthless son of a bitch. When I refused, she told me to never speak to her ever again. I have honored this request.
I will always hate my mother for what she is. What she did to me is beyond anything anyone else has ever done to me. I cannot ever love her again. The irony is that my memory of her hurts the least because I don't even feel for her anymore. It is like she never even existed to me. It is hard for me to even remember what she looks like. I retain feelings for my other family members but not for her. She is pure evil, and I am ashamed that I was ever born to her.
Writing these things is cathartic. I don't care for other people's sympathy. I don't want people feeling sorry for me. Other people have suffered far worse than I have. There are horrors out there that are simply unimaginable. Yet, people have endured those things and gone on with their lives. My petty shit just doesn't compare. But it means something to me, and I have to deal with it. It colors everything else in my life.
When I get close to people, I always ask the same question. When and how are they going to fuck me over? How are they going to use me? How are they going to shit all over me? Needless to say, it is hard to be warm and friendly with this shit running through your head.
I don't belong with people. This is why I feel greater tranquility when I am alone. I think of the Zero Room on Doctor Who where the Doctor could be sheltered from the radiological and electrical influences of the universe in order to heal. This is what it is like for me to be alone. My Zero Room is my apartment. I live alone, and no one comes there. I am sheltered from the corrosive effects of dealing with shitty people, slimebags, and what have you. This may seem weird, but this isolation is what has helped me to no longer feel anything concerning my mother. In time, I won't feel anything for the other members of my family either.
You have to forget people. This may seem pathological, but this is precisely what we do with old lovers and the bully back in high school that tormented us. We forget them and move on. There is no other way. And if it seems cold to throw people on the garbage pile, it must be noted that they are the ones who chose to be garbage. If you go around shitting on dinner plates, you don't get invited to dinner anymore. Therefore, it behooves the shitters to not shit where they eat.
I have friends in my life, and they are decent people who know better. I think the reason family members and whatnot take us for granted and even shit on us is because they assume we will always put up with it because of the family bond. No one thinks it odd when someone breaks up with a friend or significant other and does not speak to them again. But for some reason, we feel it is wrong to be estranged from our family members even though they do shit to us that is often worse than what we would tolerate from non-family members.
I am estranged from my family members. This is not something I want, but it is what it is. My own father was estranged from his mother and siblings for a long time over shit I am still clueless about. I suspect my mother had something to do with this. I don't know, and I don't care. What I do know is that I have never really fit in with those folks. I have always felt like the outsider among them--a stranger who visits but does not belong.
As for girlfriends, there's not much I can say there that I haven't already said. I have gone from active engagement to passive engagement to where I am now--hostile. Women need to fuck off when it concerns me. I'm not interested in anything they have to offer beyond the one night stand. The less I feel for them the better off I am. Love is a fiction. Embrace the emptiness instead.
0 comments:
Post a Comment