Ever since the beginning of the year, I made it my goal to achieve some inner peace. I don't know if I have made progress on that goal. I can only look down and see where I am.
As stated before, I have problems relating to others. Since I am the common factor, I have often blamed myself for these problems. But when I relate the facts to others, they tell me otherwise. Naturally, this leads them to tell me to associate with a better class of people.
Recently, Keith Richards of the Rolling Stones wrote an autobiography of his life. Mick Jagger didn't come out so well in that volume. Jagger was portrayed as being standoffish. Then, some clever writer over at Slate wrote it up from Jagger's point of view. The reality is that Richards is a drunk and a drug addict. Who wouldn't want to keep such a friend at arm's length?
Jagger has the misfortune to have to associate with a person from his youth who is a veritable fuck up. The rest of us can move on from this shit, but these fuckers have had to put up with each other for close to 50 years. Needless to say, I am on Jagger's side. I feel like that guy.
My life has been damaged by other people's problems. My own problems are non-existent. I just want to quit being a slob, get back in shape, and find a better job. But I just don't have problems or issues. There is no drama in my life.
Since breaking up with my girlfriend right before New Year's Day, the stress levels for me have evaporated. I feel calm again. Naturally, other women have come at me like wolves on fresh meat, but I ignore them. I have been through this before, and I know this is where I make the mistake. I get involved in another relationship, and I just don't want this.
People assume that I was an only child. I tell them that I have a brother. Then, they assume he is my older brother, but I correct them again. The reason they make these assumptions is because of my solitary nature. They assume correctly that I spent a large part of my childhood in a state of isolation, and this is true. I did. I would choose to spend a lot of time alone. I had few if any friends.
In my living arrangements, the same has been true. I had tons of roommates when I was in my twenties. They could fill a room. But I usually stayed in my room. They would try and be friends with me, but I was not into it. I just paid my share of the rent and the bills and did my own thing. This usually involved reading, writing, and going on long runs.
In my 30's, I made a conscious effort to try and be more social. I thought something was wrong with me for being so isolated. I moved back home to SC to be help out my folks and be close to family. I made friends and started to hang out with people. I dated a whole bunch of chicks. The result of these efforts has been one long turd of a disaster. One full decade of my life has been wasted on shitty worthless people. Like Mick Jagger, I realize I need to just do my job and retire to my private dressing room. Fuck Keith and his drugged up friends.
I am happy alone. This flies in the face of everything we hear from the media, the culture, and the "experts." I am not entirely alone. I interface with a lot of people in my work and online. But in my living situation, I am back to being the kid in my room who reads his books and minds his own business. This works for me. I am not going to listen to the experts anymore.
The feeling of peace I want is what I felt in those times when I was alone in my younger days. I would go to a movie by myself or just eat dinner. I would run in the middle of the night with just a quarter for the pay phone, and the knowledge that I didn't have anyone to call if something happened anyway. The only time I ever used it was to call a cab. Now, I don't even carry the quarter. Pay phones have vanished.
My opinion of the people that were in my life is simply this. They are bored. With nothing to do, they create drama in their lives. When you become associated with them, you are drawn in to their circle of drama. The bulk of their problems and conflicts are self-created. Most of the time, it comes from not working and needing money.
I realize that I feel much better now than I did before. The reason for this is that these people are fading out of my life. I once had a roommate who asked me to hang out with him. I told him I was busy. Of course, the "busy" was reading my book. I never thought about it at the time, but I could see where he might have been offended at that. He came away with the realization that I didn't need him. It probably scared him. Why would someone prefer reading a book to hanging out at the bar and drinking beer with friends?
For years, I always thought that the social people were having a better time than me. This just isn't the case. As they say, misery loves company. People don't add to your life. They just subtract from it. This hit me while enjoying a really great movie and having my date call it "stupid." She couldn't understand why I left her on her doorstep that night and never called her again.
I have met other people like me. One in particular would pack up his tent and go stay in the woods by himself on weekends when he was in college. I read Thoreau and understand what that guy was about. There is Alexander Supertramp from Into the Wild who ended up dying from his need to be in the wild. And, yes, there is the fucking Unabomber. I can't help that this nut lived like Thoreau but had a knack and the insanity to make mail bombs. The fact is that for any group you care to name you can put a nut in it.
I thrive on being alone. This independent lifestyle fits my personality. People wonder why I am so productive after a break up, and I have figured it out. People eat your mind with their fucking problems. Their problems become your problems. I don't make my problems other people's problems. I usually take care of it myself.
Here is a nice one from Thoreau:
I have never found a companion that was so companionable as solitude. We are for the most part more lonely when we go abroad among men than when we stay in our chambers. A man thinking or working is always alone, let him be where he will.
I know the truth of this. The loneliest times of my life have been in a bar surrounded by people. But put me in a bookstore or a coffee shop with a book or my notebook, and I am damn happy. I have lost count of the pleasant hours I have spent in libraries, parks, and diners reading my books and writing. I don't like alcohol because it is a social lubricant. I like coffee because it sparks the mind. It keeps me alert and awake.
I realize that this experiment in social living has been a failure for me. Thoreau says, "If misery loves company, misery has company enough." This is what social life is--shared misery. I don't want to share it. This is because I am not miserable.
I know this makes me odd. But I'm not antisocial. I just want a boundary and a fence, and I want people to respect the boundary. Don't come in unless you ask. If you come in, mind your manners. People don't know to do this. They abuse me because they abuse each other. My isolation has lowered my tolerance for this bullshit. I won't have it. My turmoil comes from the error that I need to learn to live with the bullshit. But I don't. I don't have to do a damn thing except stay white and die.
I don't think everyone should be like me. I am always pissed off when people make personal choices and then elevate those choices into rules for others to live by. I just know that this is what fits me. People imagine me to be miserable because I am alone. This is not the case. I am happy, and they are the ones who intend to ruin it for me. They are the miserable ones, and they just can't understand why some people like me don't want to throw everything away to be with them.
This is the way I am. Most people are straight. Some people are gay. Most people are socials. Some people are loners. I am a loner. I was born this way. One day in the future, they will find in genetics and brain structure a reason for me being this way. We already recognize people with Asperger's Syndrome. I am not one of those people. I am fairly social compared to them. I enjoy talking to people, interacting, and whatnot. I have friends. But I have this bubble I live in as well. There is the wider circle and the inner circle. I have a rich inner life. I think deeply.
I need to leave that inner circle to myself.
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