TUESDAY

1. Apple is the next Sony without Steve Jobs. The good news is that they might be eligible for a federal bailout.

2. Regis is retiring. I nominate myself as his replacement. I'm not qualified for the job, but I do have a thing for Kelly Ripa.



3. In other news, Kelly Ripa has taken out a restraining order against me. Apparently she has been getting those emails I sent. Damn.

4. SC has a new governor. My advice to her is to not serve Indian food at those state dinners. It has about the same impact as Mexican food.



5. Dick Cheney may get a heart transplant. Unfortunately, that soul transplant didn't take, so the heart transplant will probably fail.

6. Ricky Gervais pissed off a lot of people at the Golden Globes. Apparently, there were a lot of fans of The Tourist there.

7. Kelly, please please PLEASE let me be co-host. I promise not to wear the G-string thingy.

8. I almost shit my pants today. I am blaming it on Sarah Palin for creating a climate of diarrhea. (NOTE TO NIKKI: Don't serve that Indian food if you want to avoid the same fate as Palin.)

9. One can only hope that Steve just ate some Indian food and will be back at Apple.

10. OK, dammit. More Kelly Ripa for you:



I'm outta here.

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