SOC

I recently watched The Exorcist. It did not scare me. It scared me as a kid, but it does not scare me now. I think being an atheist has taken the fear out of me.

The thing I fear most now is being incarcerated. I don't go around breaking laws or hurting people or doing anything deserving of jail. But I can't think of a worse fate than the loss of one's freedom. Even death is less horrible than prison because you can't experience death.

I think a lot about being alone. People are afraid to be alone but not me. I'm used to it. I remember when I used to live in Florida, and I would escape my housemates by going to the Subway in Maitland at night and eating a sandwich and reading a book. I used to run in those days, and I would run at night. This would be midnight not seven o'clock when the sun went down. I would run in neighborhoods that would get you killed, but I didn't care. That whole experience was like a dream.

I have always been alone. I have had family, friends, and girlfriends, but you end up realizing they don't give a damn about you. I always find myself back at this default setting.

Being a loner marks you as a weirdo. It is antisocial. But is the problem with me? I don't think so. The problem is that everyone that comes into my life turns out to be a worthless piece of shit. They have all these problems that ultimately come down to needing money, and they expect me to give them the money. In the end, I get the message. If you want people in your life, you have to pay them. I think this is fucked up, so I'm alone.

Being alone is bearable and even enjoyable if you have lots to do. I always have lots to do. There is no end to work or projects. Just lose yourself in doing. That is the best way to live.

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