Day 5

Today is not so good. I am thinking the worst about her. I am thinking she was using me and didn't give a damn about me. These thoughts will pass, too. I just feel very raw today like I slid across some asphalt.

It hurts to think that someone who loved you probably didn't give a shit about you. I went through that with my parents who used me up and tossed me like garbage. Basically, people love you because they are getting something from you. The moment they can't get anymore from you they hate you. The instant you tell someone no you are expunged.

I don't go around using people. I find that idea abhorrent. I have some sense of decency about me. I don't see people as a means to an end. I'm as selfish as anyone, but I am honest about this. I treat people the way I want to be treated, and I expect the same in return.

My girlfriend couldn't look me in the eye when she dumped me. She hid her face in shame. I never stopped loving her, but she clearly stopped loving me. That happened the moment I told her I was not going to pay her bills for her.

I don't like being close to anyone. I never know when they are going to stick it to me. My girlfriend never did me wrong, but I never give anyone that chance. I've learned my lessons. Decent people are lonely people. This is because most people are trash.

I like this line from Schopenhauer:

Almost all of our sorrows spring out of our relations with other people.

In my life, this has been very true. The worst hurts I have ever endured in life have come from people who "loved" me. The result is that I am a guarded person. I prefer being alone. I don't want people in my life because they use me, cause me grief, fuck me over, or just plain let me down. As a lady once told me, "Family will fuck you over before a stranger will." How true that is.

I want to think the best about my girlfriend, but I think this may be self-deception on my part. Maybe I just don't want to face the reality because it is too harsh. I'll probably find out later that she was cheating on me or something. I've had that happen before.

I must never become emotionally attached to another woman ever again. That is the bottom line. I had already made that decision before I met her, but I relented and gave it one more shot. That was a mistake. I make fewer and fewer mistakes as I get older. In this area, I am now at zero. I gave a little. I will now give nothing.

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