MONDAY

1. Jesse busts out of rehab after Sandra tells him its over. A good move for both of them.

2. I'm busting out of caffeine rehab in about five minutes.

3. I just had an interesting convo with my brother about violent anal dilation as a remedy for fissures. I am not making this shit up.

4. Tiger plays golf, bullshits the world, and gets some action on some hole. Baby steps. . .

5. Michael Jackson's doctor's defense: "That crazy fucker committed suicide!!" I see an acquittal.

6. Trump fires Blago. Next up, an extended appearance in the courtroom on TruTV.

7. Greece has now turned to a payday lender to get out of its financial troubles. Unfortunately, they can't find that last check stub underneath the passenger seat of their '73 Dodge Dart.

8. White supremacist in South Africa gets bludgeoned to death for not paying the help. Seriously. Somebody should have told him that slavery is so 19th century.

9. Apple sells a bunch of iPads, but they refused to take a postdated check from Greece.

10. Coach Mike Krzyzewski is the devil. The evidence is overwhelming. He wins championships. His players go on to suck huge in the NBA. They are the Blue DEVILS. And "Krzyzewski" pronounced backwards is "I will eat your soul." In Polish, of course.

PREDICTION: Blue Devils win. Satan wills it, and God is off tonight.

Posted in: