Bad Advice

Dear Charlie,

I just met this guy last week named Demetrius, and I am like TOTALLY in love with this dude. He is so handsome and strong. He does the sweetest things for me. Like, the other day, he told me to watch out for a pile of dogshit because I might step in it and mess up the interior of his car. He's always thinking about me. Plus, the sex is incredible. And he is a good provider. He gets $300 a week in unemployment, and he slings rock on the street.

My problem is that I am afraid I might lose him. Should I get his name tattooed on my ass? Will this make him stay?

IN LOVE IN PHILLY

Dear Philly,

Go for it.

C.



Dear Charlie,

I have been married for 15 years, and I love my husband dearly. But he has a habit I don't think I can take anymore. He passes gas.

When we first started dating, he did not do this sort of thing. In fact, the first time he ever passed gas was on our wedding night. It was an accident, but that seemed to open up the gates to getting gassed on a regular basis. He quit hiding it and started farting loudly with no apologies. Then, he started laughing about it like a crazy man whenever he would do it. And, the gas started smelling worse as his diet deteriorated into hot wings, beanie weenies, and beer. He farts in the car now. Then, last night, the final straw came. He subjected me to the Dutch oven. If you are not familiar with this, this is when your partner pulls the covers over your head while in bed to make you smell his work. Needless to say, I was not happy. I contemplated assault charges but relented. But I think our marriage is done.

What should I do?

GASSED IN GASTONIA

Dear Gassed,

I believe in fighting fire with fire. I recommend eating cheesy nachos, some deviled eggs, and baked beans. Then, when he is asleep, put your bare ass in his face and let it rip. Continued actions like this will teach him the error of his ways and force him to the negotiating table. From there, the two of you can agree to a cease fire and a cessation of hostilities.

You can't win this war, but you can turn it from hot to cold. It is called Mutual Assured Destruction, and it works. No nukes have been used since WWII. But, remember, you must always keep the nuclear option to maintain the peace.

Hope this helps.

C.



Dear Charlie,

I went to my dealer the other day to hook up with some of that bubonic chronic, and I was in a rush and just got my dime bag and split. That fucker sold me a bunch of Mexican dirtweed. I got ganked. What's a brother like me supposed to do?

SUCKER IN SARASOTA

Dear Sucker,

In a black market economy, there is no Better Business Bureau. You just a dumb fucknut who should have checked that shit out before he bought. Can you feel me?

Smoke your shit, and shut the fuck up.

C.

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