The Death List

Fans of The Bucket List will draw parallels between that movie and this essay, but this list and that list are quite different. A bucket list is simply a list of things you want to do before you die. It might be anything from seeing the Great Pyramids to banging an Asian chick. The Death List is quite different from a bucket list. It requires that you get a death notice first. This is when the doctor tells you that you have Stage 4 cancer or you are in the beginning stages of Alzheimer's or you pass your 80th birthday. In short, you realize you are in the final chapter of your life which is sad in a way, but it also opens up certain opportunities you may have forfeited to that point because of their self-destructive nature. This is the essence of the Death List. The DL is everything you are free to do now that you know it won't matter. Here is my Death List.

1. Do lots of drugs.

I don't use drugs or alcohol. I have never even smoked marijuana. But all that will change when I get the death notice. I am going to do it all with a daily dose of bourbon or vodka and lots of weed. I will then move on to psychedelics, heroin, and cocaine. If I am lucky, I will die from a pleasant overdose. The reason I don't do drugs now is because it would mess up my life. But if my life is ending anyway, I think doing drugs makes perfect sense.

2. Do lots of whores.

Depending on what I have, this is always an option thanks to Viagra unless I have cancer in the affected area. Of course, if I am with a woman who loves me, this option is off the table since I don't want to hurt the ones I love. But chances are, I will be an unattached bachelor. If this is the case, I am going to snort cocaine off their naked bodies.

3. Do dangerous activities.

These will also depend upon my physical condition, but I think I can make it up in an airplane and jump out. I am also going to add several BASE jumps to the list and bungee cord jumping over some bridges. Like with the drugs, if I am lucky, I will plow into the earth and be dead.

4. Perform a suicide mission.

This will be the hardest item on the list since I might not be able to pull it off. Basically, I see myself going overseas and trying to kill a terrorist or a tyrannical dictator. I will also be high and have notched several death defying acts by this point. But I would love to kill someone who unquestionably deserves to die. Mass murderers fit this bill. I don't expect to come back alive.

5. Write my last book.

My last book will be a journal of my fulfillment of the Death List. It will probably have that as the title. Naturally, when I croak, someone else will have to pen the epilogue detailing how I died. But that is the plan, and I will make arrangements for it to happen.

Now, none of this shit may happen. I might die from a massive heart attack one night. I might get hit by a bus or go down in a plane. This would be death without prior notice, and I am cool with that, too. It sucks that I won't have time to do the items on my Death List, but I also won't have time to be overly depressed that my life is ending. In the case this happens, I want to live as well as I can. For this reason, I go with my bucket list which everyone should have.

The upside of the Death List is it gives me something to look forward to as I get older. It makes a wonderful opportunity out of something inevitable. I believe you should live life to the absolute fullest because you only get one shot and that's it. Being told you are going to die only means that I get to light the fuse and go out with a glorious bang.

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