Inner Peace Update

I am doing better today and making progress. In talking with others, I don't think I clearly outlined the problem I am having. I will see if I can illustrate.

Imagine a child was born to parents with a high IQ. The child inherits these traits from his parents. But while still a toddler, some crazed redneck types kidnap him and take him to go live in the woods. They never tell the kid growing up where he really came from. So, he grows up thinking he belongs to them when he really doesn't. He is always in trouble because he questions things. His intellect is growing, but he is trapped in those woods. He teaches himself to read but all there is to read is a worn Bible. His new parents feel alienated from him because he is clearly not like them, and they know the truth of his parentage. For the child, the alienation becomes acute. He grows up thinking there is something wrong with him. But there's nothing wrong with him at all.

Now, this is just a made up story. It isn't true. But what would you tell that kid if you just met him and didn't know the truth? If you take the word of his family, you conclude that he is fucked up. But they are the ones who are fucked up--seriously fucked up. But "normal" is not what you think it is. A DNA test will quickly tell you the truth.

I feel like that kid. I am a normal person in a world of fucked up inbred hicks. We ascribe normalcy to the group but not the individual. This is how it becomes normal for a nation to try and exterminate a race of people or enslave them or just tell them to use the restroom around back. The individual with morals and decency becomes the outsider. He becomes the aberration. He will not be tolerated for long.

In my case, I am alienated from my family members and from girlfriends. With family members, the alienation comes from the idea that blood is thicker than water. Because someone is blood, they get to treat you like shit. They get to use you, and that is all there is to it. You put up with it. If you decide not to put up with it, then you must be fucked up.

With girlfriends, it is the same situation. In this case, I am supposed to provide money which they get to blow. I am supposed to provide material support. I am supposed to pay their bills. Time and time again, I run into women who are like accountants calculating the financial gain of getting hitched to me. It never occurs to them that they should be responsible for their own affairs. So, within six months, I see what I am getting involved with and end it. There are two criticisms I get for this. The first is that I am a sucker. The second is that I will end up dying alone. But I've been unattached for 40 years, so I'm not the sucker. As for dying alone, that doesn't bother me a bit. I'm not going to marry a gold digger, so I can hope she is there when I croak and not out shopping. Plus, I might outlive her. That whole scenario is just stupid.

So, back to the kid living with the rednecks in the woods. One day, the kid decides to run away. He weighs it in his head. Will he survive? Will he make it? Is he better off getting the fuck out of there? I would tell him to go for it. This is the decision that I've made for myself.

Inner turmoil comes from wondering if you made the right choices. Inner peace comes from knowing that you did. I know I made the right choices because none of these people call me. They don't miss me because I never belonged with them. Only my crazy ass mother has ever tried to contact me. But no apologies from anyone. Not one.

As for my ex-girlfriend, it isn't that I don't have enough love for all of them. It isn't that I don't have enough money. I feel that there is no logistical challenge I can't overcome when I set my mind to it. But she wants to run the show. She wants to be the boss. I don't get to make the decisions. I just get to pay the bills. As I've said before, dad is just a check these days. The one thing I've learned is that most of the invective and slander tossed at dad is unwarranted. Dad is either a sucker and a loser like Homer Simpson, or he is an absentee piece of shit. It is a vicious Catch-22. This is worthy of a post all its own.

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